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It feels as though things are slipping. It feels as though life isn't as good anymore. There are a few highlights here and there, but apart from that... I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed, I'm upset.

I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I'm stressed.

Ever since I got out of hospital last year, I always feel as though I should be back in there. I feel as though I'm not recovered. I feel as though I'm never going to recover.

I hate myself and I hate life.

Just under two months till I leave for the UK and Europe. 

Maybe I will disappear???

I think that if I move to another country, get away from everything here, everything is going to be okay. But deep down, I know my problems are going to come with me. I feel as though I'm going to fail, and I won't be able to pick myself up as well as I'm able to when I'm surrounded by friends.

I don't want to spiral down, but I'm deathly afraid that that is what is going to happen.

And I hate that feeling and it makes me want to stay here.

But I hate being here.

Happy Mothers Day!!!

Okay, I know it was yesterday, but I didn't go onto my mac yesterday, so here is my Mothers Day post.

In the past, Mothers Day has always been postponed in our house for some reason or another, except for this year! Yay!!!

I had been sick throughout the week with labyrinthitis, and going to bed at 7-7.30 pm and sleeping throughout the night, but I woke up on Sunday feeling pretty peachy, compared to the rest of the week, and I decided I wanted to bake mum something for mothers day. I found a delish looking recipe, and it was off to Woolies I went, to get all the ingredients that were needed. 

I came home, and baked away. As I had never used this recipe before, I was a little doubtful, as the mixture was quite runny, but the cupcakes turned out fine!

Chocolate Cherry Cupcakes!!!

They were amazingly delicious, and I would definitely bake again.

The rest of mothers day was rather relaxing, and me and mum had Indian for dinner. My gosh, that was yum yum yum. I haven't had Indian for aaaaaages, and that was amazing, just from the Indian restaurant around the corner from where we live.

Oh, and mum is getting a second Mother's Day tomorrow. Im paying for her to get a tattoo, and Im buying myself a matching tattoo. Im looking forward to it!

I also have an appointment in Newtown tomorrow afternoon, so mum is driving me to Sydney after our tattoos, and then we are dining in Darling Harbour somewhere.

So I think this is a mothers day to remember, before I jet off overseas.

I love you mummy!!!

xoxo

too many hangups

I just wish more of them happened on the telephone, instead of being life hangups.

I just get way too anxious and nervous about everything.

I see two pyschiatrists, one counsellor, and a nutritionist, who also counsels me. Yet I'm still anxious and worrying about anything and everything.

But instead of being all emotional and dramatic, have some photos.

I got a bike!!! I love it. I just wish it wasn't raining today, as I haven't been for a ride for a few days, and I can't go for a ride this weekend. Busy busy!!! (And this busy-ness is making me anxious and nervous.)
I bleached my hair. Again. Although, I'm unsure of the colour, But I am a fan of it.
New id Photo Card. Really hating on the photo. I look like a man. And I'm stuck with that for the next five years. Awesome.

Thanks, RTA!!!

Makeover

I was in Wollongong Mall last Thursday after getting my latest tattoo finished off (will post a picture in another blog...), and I was just wandering around and browsing, looking at things I want to buy, when all of a sudden there was a DJ setting up outside of Wanted, and a table with wine tasting setting up outside of Rockmans, and little pop up stalls near Forever New, all the way to Jay Jays.

Having no idea what was happening, I wandered around a little more, as I wanted some free wine, which I got, and I picked up a leaflet thing, stating some Autumn Fashion whatever was happening at the mall. Which free 15 minute makeovers at Napoleon.

I got all excited again (after being all excited about free wine), and quickly walked to Napoleon for my free makeover. 

Wow, that was fun.

I thought I looked gorgeous! (Possibly a bit vein, but thats allowable.)

Definitely buying this lipstick today!!!

I got bored

This is what being unemployed does to me.

Make me turn my hair into the colour of fairy floss.

Not Irish

A friend and I went out on Thursday to drink and dance and celebrate St Patricks day. And just to drink and dance.

It was a good night, starting with pre-drinks at my friends, then a cab to 151, standing in line for 151, my friend knowing the security and getting taken to the front of the line and in before everyone else - which was good, as we both really needed to pee.

We had some cheap drinks, and danced, met some friends/work mates, more cheap drinks, and lots more dancing.

Till I started feeling a bit off.

At first I noticed I was dancing with my eyes closed more often then normal. Then the room kinda felt like it was spinning. I had already started drinking water before this point in time, but I drank some more water, and that didnt help, so I went to go sit down. As soon as I sat down, this one guy came and sat pretty close to me. Then about a minute later, this other guy came and sat down right next to me, and the guy on the other side moved closer to me, and thats when I freaked out, thinking wtf is happening, so I just left 151.

Thats all I can remember.

I didn't even remember how I got home, up the stairs, into my pjs and into bed.

I do remember not being able to talk properly and not being able to walk.

I do remember having no more then 8 drinks, and thats a standard night out for me. I've been so much more drunk then that, throwing up drunk, yet still be able to walk and talk, so I knew something was up.

I had to ask mum in the morning how I got home, and she told me my friend and one of her friends bought me home, carried me up the stairs and inside. Then mum told me she had to change me from my clothes to my pajamas and put me into bed. After I had had a spew. (Thanks mum for looking after me!)

So basically, I got my drink spiked.

It is seriously disgusting how people have to stoop that low to go and drug someones drink, with the possibility of wanting to rape whoevers drink they have spiked. 

It's now just after midday on Saturday and I still feel queasy. I hope this never happens to me again, and I hope this never happens to anyone I know. It is an awful feeling.