So I've got a form of anorexia, and it sucks. Don't tell me I'm stupid, or I'm looking for attention by depriving myself of food. I'm not doing this on purpose, or because I think I'm fat. Because I'm not. I look at people eating and I get jealous. Green with envy. I've gotten anorexia because I literally could not eat for 7 weeks. The sight of food made me nauseas. The smell of food made me nauseas. Whenever mum cooked dinner, I would retch from the smell of it. I hated it. It was awful.
None of my clothes fit me like they used to. I've lost most of my confidence. I've lost most of my self esteem. I don't want to go out. I feel the cold down to my bones.
It's not stupid. I'm not being stupid. I'm just being sick. Kidney infections suck. They do some awful things to the body - such as making you lose your appetite for 7 weeks and not be able to eat.
I'm slowly eating again. Lots of bland foods, noodles and pasta and rice, cheese, baby food, banana smoothies, tofu. Most times when I eat, I get awful stomach pain. I've got acid reflux something awful, and can taste vomit/stomach acid in the back of my throat. It is awful. I seriously don't know why people put themselves through anorexia. If you think you're fat, there are much better ways to lose weight than to deprive yourself of food. I know. I put on weight once, and felt awful. I started eating healthier, and portion control. I started drinking lots of water, and stopped drinking juice. I started going for walks - in an exercise way. I swam when the weather was good. I started going to the gym. I lost weight and toned up and lost centimeters from my body. My clothes fit me better. Clothes got too big for me and I had to get them taken in. I still indulged in hungover McDonalds and still baked cakes and cookies and anything else I wanted to bake. And it was so much better than depriving myself of food and not eating for days, weeks or months on end. I hope I never completely lose my appetite again. This is absolute awful.
I just want to be able to eat normally again, without feeling sick or having the worst pains in my stomach. I want to stop tasting vomit at the back of my throat. I want to stop having acid reflux all the time.
I just want to get better.
2 comments:
So sorry to hear how unwell you've been - don't ever feel you have to explain your illness. Being unwell is not within your control and its not something you should ever have to apologise for. As someone who has been chronically ill in the past and lost most of my body weight, and all of my appetite, I can completely empathise with you. When it starts to come back (as I'm sure it will), rediscovering food is heavenly.
I wish you a speedy recovery xoxo
I agree with what KittyCate said - don't feel like you ever have to explain or justify your illness to anyone.
I went through my own troubled times, and came out with a full blown eating disorder, so I can definitely empathise. Hardly ever is it about trying to lose weight as the myth so often goes. Anorexics are not stupid and rarely do it for atteniton - who would considering all the attention is so negative anyway!?
It is hard trying to eat again, and get back to a sense of "normalcy" but once you do and your appetite returns without the horrible side-effects of reflux and regurgitation (I couldn't keep any food down whatsoever) it's fantastic. Keep at it hun, I hope you start feeling better soon
Post a Comment