december twenty three

It's been exactly one year since I got the surgery on my hip.
Towards the end, I didn't really want the surgery, as I knew there was a 50/50 chance of the surgery not getting rid of the pain, and I was thinking, why get the surgery, which is going to be painful anyway, and possibly come out the other side, still in pain?
But my friend at the time said to get it, and it could work and whatever else was said (I wasn't really paying much attention to a lot of things which were said to me around that point in time).
Obviously, the surgery didn't work, and one year on from the surgery (and nearly 3 years on from the car accident), I'm still in pain.
If anything, the pain is worse. For the past three and a half weeks, the pain has been so bad, at one stage I was taking 6 different types of pain killers a day. I spent a day in hospital. I've been to the doctors more times these past few weeks then I can count on one hand, and right now, I'm constantly counting down the hours till I can next take more pain killers (right now, I only have a 20 min wait). This is not how I imagined I would be living like at 22. This is not how I imagined the rest of my life would be like.

It sucks to be me.

For a while, all I want to do is just sit and cry. Lay down and cry. I just want to cry till I can't cry anymore. The pain is just getting to me and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Just the constant day in, day out really bad pain is doing my head in. Not mention it being Christmas time, and as I get older, more things make me dis-like Christmas - and this is another reason to dis-like Christmas. I've always felt a little more sad then usual around Christmas time. Knowing it's another year of being permanently in pain makes me a little more upset.
All I want for Christmas is for this pain to go away, but I know that is not going to happen.
At least I finally got an appointment with a Pain Management Clinic. Just really annoyed that I had to wait for about 5 months, only to get an appointment thats still another 3 months away.
Heres hoping I don't need to keep relying on my years supply of Panadiene Forte, and this pain eases up in time for the New Year.

I am hoping for a better New Years then last year. One that isn't spent falling asleep on the lounge at 11 pm, drowsy from too many pain killers.