I'm going to visit my mum tomorrow

I haven't seen her for a long time.

I hope everything goes well.

It was fun for a few seconds

Incense

I could sit and watch the smoke for hours. It's relaxing. And I love the smell of incense. It reminds me of my mum.

I really miss my mum these days. It's been too long since I last talked to her and I hate it. I'm hoping we can start talking again soon. I've been doing alot of things like my mum does lately. The burning of incense included. I've been drinking heaps of water the past few days. I plan on burning more incense. And some candles too. I don't know if I'm doing it out of habit as I'm slowly growing up to be like my mum, or to make myself feel just a little bit closer to her. I don't know. But in some ways, I guess I kind of like it. It also makes me sad, just how much it reminds me of her. Makes me realise how much I actually miss her. 

I really hope me and her can sort things out soon.

I got a new tattoo yesterday

It felt good.

It hurt a little at times. This is my ouch face.

All done. For now.

I dont't know what to do anymore

Life sucks. I'm all emotional. About everything. Sucks immensly. I've cried about 4times today. I don't know what I want to do next year. I don't know if i want to keep living in Sydney. I don't if I should apply for full-time jobs. Should I go back tafe or keep working? Do I stay in Sydney or move back to wollongong? I really don't know, and I feel it's troubling me. 

I never thought I would say it, but I actually need my mum. Even though she doesn't support me anything I do, or doesn't seem like she cares or wants to help, it's times like these you need a hug from your mother.

I got a package in the mail today. Christmas presants from my mum. I havent opened any of them up, but I did open the box. And there was a letter. She hasn't talked to me for a few months, yet she ends the letter with 'Love Mum xoxo'. She always knows what to get me for christmas, but I don't think that has happened this year. I saw two gift cards for Sanity in the box, but I want gift cards for bookstores. And clothes stores. The letter says theres presant to share with my housemates. What does one share with housemates? She doesn't even know I'm moving. I don't even think I want to open the presants, as I'm scared I'm going to be dissapointed and cry. I cried when I found out it the box was from my mum. I cried when I opened it and saw it was full of christmas presants. I cried again when I read the letter. I don't want to open the presants and cry.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure if I want to be here anymore. Everything is just getting all on top of me and I don't like it. I don't like living out of home. I don't like the relationship I have my mother. I'm not sure I like where I'm going in life. I don't like anything right now. I don't even like myself. I'm crying right now, and I don't even like that. I don't even like the music I'm listening to.

I think I'm over everything. Life included.

I eat well

I eat vegetarian.

I'm going to be eating that for the next few days. Till it makes me throw up from sitting in the fridge for too long.

Waste not Want not. Or however the saying goes.

I don't like wasting food i've spent cashmoneys on.

It's finally booked

Surgery. December 23. Right now, I'm kind of just rushing around, trying to find someone who can drive me to Canberra and back and that day. And I would like to use this moment to say 'fuck you', to my mother. Just because this should be her job, taking her daughter to another state to get surgery, looking after her daughter that night, etc. But no, I got stuck with an incompetent mother, who completely sucks at being a mother. She's a failure in the course of motherhood. 

As much as surgeries suck, I really want to get this done. And I would like to get it done on the 23rd. If I can't find someone to take me there an back, I'm going to have to get it done at a later date, till I can find someone who can drive me there, drive me home, and look after me that night. I would like to look after myself, but I signed a form saying that I have a responsible adult who can drive me home and keep me company after the surgery and such. And if I don't have that responsible adult, I can't get surgery.

Life sucks right now.

Moving out is harder then it sounds

I'm really hating it how when I tell people I have to move, I have till end of jan, they mention how easy it will be for me to get a place. It makes me think they have never moved house on a budget before. And even though it shouldn't, when they mention "oh, you have heaps of time. you'll find a place with no problem", or whatever it is they say, that really pisses me off.

Looking for houses is hard. It's even harder when you're on a budget. It's even more harder when you're trying to find a house in the area you want to live in, that fits in your budget. IT'S FUCKING HARD, PEOPLE!!! IT'S NOT EASY!!! I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU MOVE OUT ON A FUCKING BUDGET, TRYING TO FIND A HOUSE IN THE AREA YOU WANT TO LIVE IN.

fuck.

I've given myself a $150 a week budget. Thats fine. Then there's the bond that has to be paid. I'm going to get $200 back when I move, but the majority of bonds are around the $600. I don't know where I'm going to get $400 from, and still be able to eat till the next payday. I'm going to have to go without food for a few weeks or so, just so I can pay bond and rent and such.

Moving fucking sucks. I hate it.

I'm looking at a house on Saturday. It's in my budget, and it's in the area I want to live in. I don't want to move too far away from the Newtown/Enmore/Marrickville/Stanmore area. I know where everything is. I have a great doctor in Enmore. Chemist Warehouse = cheap medications = happy Sophie.