I'm going to visit my mum tomorrow

I haven't seen her for a long time.

I hope everything goes well.

It was fun for a few seconds

Incense

I could sit and watch the smoke for hours. It's relaxing. And I love the smell of incense. It reminds me of my mum.

I really miss my mum these days. It's been too long since I last talked to her and I hate it. I'm hoping we can start talking again soon. I've been doing alot of things like my mum does lately. The burning of incense included. I've been drinking heaps of water the past few days. I plan on burning more incense. And some candles too. I don't know if I'm doing it out of habit as I'm slowly growing up to be like my mum, or to make myself feel just a little bit closer to her. I don't know. But in some ways, I guess I kind of like it. It also makes me sad, just how much it reminds me of her. Makes me realise how much I actually miss her. 

I really hope me and her can sort things out soon.

I got a new tattoo yesterday

It felt good.

It hurt a little at times. This is my ouch face.

All done. For now.

I dont't know what to do anymore

Life sucks. I'm all emotional. About everything. Sucks immensly. I've cried about 4times today. I don't know what I want to do next year. I don't know if i want to keep living in Sydney. I don't if I should apply for full-time jobs. Should I go back tafe or keep working? Do I stay in Sydney or move back to wollongong? I really don't know, and I feel it's troubling me. 

I never thought I would say it, but I actually need my mum. Even though she doesn't support me anything I do, or doesn't seem like she cares or wants to help, it's times like these you need a hug from your mother.

I got a package in the mail today. Christmas presants from my mum. I havent opened any of them up, but I did open the box. And there was a letter. She hasn't talked to me for a few months, yet she ends the letter with 'Love Mum xoxo'. She always knows what to get me for christmas, but I don't think that has happened this year. I saw two gift cards for Sanity in the box, but I want gift cards for bookstores. And clothes stores. The letter says theres presant to share with my housemates. What does one share with housemates? She doesn't even know I'm moving. I don't even think I want to open the presants, as I'm scared I'm going to be dissapointed and cry. I cried when I found out it the box was from my mum. I cried when I opened it and saw it was full of christmas presants. I cried again when I read the letter. I don't want to open the presants and cry.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure if I want to be here anymore. Everything is just getting all on top of me and I don't like it. I don't like living out of home. I don't like the relationship I have my mother. I'm not sure I like where I'm going in life. I don't like anything right now. I don't even like myself. I'm crying right now, and I don't even like that. I don't even like the music I'm listening to.

I think I'm over everything. Life included.

I eat well

I eat vegetarian.

I'm going to be eating that for the next few days. Till it makes me throw up from sitting in the fridge for too long.

Waste not Want not. Or however the saying goes.

I don't like wasting food i've spent cashmoneys on.

It's finally booked

Surgery. December 23. Right now, I'm kind of just rushing around, trying to find someone who can drive me to Canberra and back and that day. And I would like to use this moment to say 'fuck you', to my mother. Just because this should be her job, taking her daughter to another state to get surgery, looking after her daughter that night, etc. But no, I got stuck with an incompetent mother, who completely sucks at being a mother. She's a failure in the course of motherhood. 

As much as surgeries suck, I really want to get this done. And I would like to get it done on the 23rd. If I can't find someone to take me there an back, I'm going to have to get it done at a later date, till I can find someone who can drive me there, drive me home, and look after me that night. I would like to look after myself, but I signed a form saying that I have a responsible adult who can drive me home and keep me company after the surgery and such. And if I don't have that responsible adult, I can't get surgery.

Life sucks right now.

Moving out is harder then it sounds

I'm really hating it how when I tell people I have to move, I have till end of jan, they mention how easy it will be for me to get a place. It makes me think they have never moved house on a budget before. And even though it shouldn't, when they mention "oh, you have heaps of time. you'll find a place with no problem", or whatever it is they say, that really pisses me off.

Looking for houses is hard. It's even harder when you're on a budget. It's even more harder when you're trying to find a house in the area you want to live in, that fits in your budget. IT'S FUCKING HARD, PEOPLE!!! IT'S NOT EASY!!! I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU MOVE OUT ON A FUCKING BUDGET, TRYING TO FIND A HOUSE IN THE AREA YOU WANT TO LIVE IN.

fuck.

I've given myself a $150 a week budget. Thats fine. Then there's the bond that has to be paid. I'm going to get $200 back when I move, but the majority of bonds are around the $600. I don't know where I'm going to get $400 from, and still be able to eat till the next payday. I'm going to have to go without food for a few weeks or so, just so I can pay bond and rent and such.

Moving fucking sucks. I hate it.

I'm looking at a house on Saturday. It's in my budget, and it's in the area I want to live in. I don't want to move too far away from the Newtown/Enmore/Marrickville/Stanmore area. I know where everything is. I have a great doctor in Enmore. Chemist Warehouse = cheap medications = happy Sophie. 

It kind of really annoys me when I don't remember peoples names

And they remember mine, and when they are talking to me, they use my name. When I cannot remember their name.

It happened to me last night/this morning.

It was a good night. And morning. I just don't really remember any names of all the people who I met.

Photos from Canberra

I enjoy photos of legs.

I went to a Fashion Show, pretty much.

I was not impressed by Canberra nightlife.

I don't like MRI's

It's the noise. I like the glowy green lights inside, but the noise freaks me out. Not that I have ever heard it, but I make out that the noise of an MRI machine is that of an alien mating call.

But I will get to see pictures of my brains and such tomorrow. Kinda looking forward to that, I guess.

I found out I have to move out today. I'm looking forward to a new place to live in, a new room to decorate. Possibly a new desk (since my mother has overtaken mine). But I will miss my housemates. And the black and white checkered floor. And the yellow bathroom.

I Hate Canberra

I don't wish to spend more then 24hrs in Canberra ever again. I will go back for my surgery. Then I am never going to Canberra again. Not if I can help it. It's extremely boring. Everything is so far away from everything else. I rate the IGA in the city with the hundreds upon hundreds of packets of pop-tarts and cases of Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke. I also rate Koko Black so decadent iced chocolates. They were pretty much my highlights of Canberra.

Oh, and the Black and Pink Jester Ball at Albert Hall. Wow. Some of the costumes people were wearing were amazing. And the fashion show was awesome. I got some good photos. I will put them up soon.

I'm getting an MRI tomorrow. I'm freaking it a little. Claustrophobia, not cool.

I'm In Canberra

No offence, but it's pretty boring.
I'm contemplating the purchase of a hamburger phone. Not that I will be using for it's phone purposes. I like the look of it. I would like to say I own a hamburger phone. I could use if for other purposes. that of which I do not know yet. But I will be able to say 'hey, I own a hamburger phone.' Not many people can say that. Not that I know of, anyway.

I went and saw the neurosurgeon yesterday. I'm getting surgery. I dont know when yet, as it has to be approved by NRMA, and im not too keen on paying for the surgery out of my own pocket. The surgery might not even work anyway. I could be stuck with this pain for the rest of my life. A compressed nerve for the rest of my life. Not fucking cool. I might get more compensation money that way.
I went shopping after seeing the neurosurgeon. Got a pair of gladiator sandals (with silver buckles!!!), and a pair of over the knee purple stockings socks. Yep. Im happy with my purchases. And I'm going out tonight. Free alcohol. I can't say no to that.

I had to go to hospital

I couldn't really breathe properly. Intense chest pain. Was getting a little concerned, so I took an ambulance to the hospital around 12am. I really don't like the smell of oxygen masks.

Got a few heart tests done. Blood tests. Chest/lung x-ray. Now I'm covered in heart monitor patches. They are even on my ankles. But at least I know there is nothing wrong with my heart right now. 

I slept well last night.

I went to a party

I wore awesome thigh high socks.

Copious amounts of alcohol was consumed.

Numerous drugs were ingested and inhaled.

My vision was blurry for the majority of the night.

I kept myself hydrated with a few cups of water.

I went on facebook and updated my status:

Sophie is ata party. and has experinance newthingsshe neverthought she would experince.

And there was a really cute cat.

I enjoy going to house parties.

Good Days

I went for a swim today. 10 laps. Two more then when I went last week. In a few weeks, I will be up to 20 laps each time I go. Hopefully. I would have done more laps, but there were annoying, screaming kids at the pool.

I made cookies today.
Choc -chip raspberry cookies.


They are extremely good cookies. I should know. I had one fresh from the oven. And another for dessert. With my new fav, So Good Bliss chocolate milk.
I'm planning on taking the rest of the cookies to the housewarming party tomorrow night at Sarah and Rowans et al.

I have a date

I stretched my left lobe again. 10mm. Not that you care. Not that I care. My mum will hate it, but it's not as though she is talking to me yet or anything.

Saw my psychiatrist again today. Was okay. Realised I know less then I thought I did about my father and his family. Nothing. I don't even know when my fathers father died. I don't know how old his mother. I think my mums mother is nearly 90. It's been a few years since I last seen my grandparents (from my mums side), and I'm really missing my grandmas baking. Every time I visited, she had home baked cookies. They were always good. I think I might bake some cookies tomorrow. I will search for a good cookie recipe, and do some baking. I enjoy baking. I make a good pudding. Sure, it's from a box, but it still tastes amazing. And it looks amazing aswell.

I had my consult with Heath at Steel Lotus today. He is really nice. It's always a plus when you get a nice tattooist. I'm booked in for Dec 12. One month of waiting. I'm really looking forward to it. I always look forward to getting new tattoos. This one could be the start of a sleeve. It might not be the start of a sleeve. I will see how I feel about adding onto it in the future, as there are still a few other tattoos I want to get, and I'm keen as to get a full chest piece. Something to go between the birds and the heart. Plus, girls with good tattoos are gorgeous. Same with boys.

New Tattoo; New Favourite Food Place

Centrelink is pretty much sorted out.

Again.

I'm getting a new tattoo. Seriously. I'm booked in for a consult with Heath at Steel Lotus tomorrow afternoon. The man who answers the door told me I may have to wait about two months till I actually get the tattoo, but I don't mind waiting. I can add a few more dollars to my tattoo cash stash. I can swim heaps up until then. I can work on my tan.

I went into American Apparel after Steel Lotus. Gosh. It's shiny clothes heaven. So many shiny clothes. That I want to buy. Just to say I own this many items of shiny clothes. I have a fascination with shiny silver clothes/shoes. Three pairs of silver shoes I own. One are pretty much dead, but I still keep wearing them. The other two are still going strong. And then there is my robot dress. I love my robot dress. It's comfy. It's cute.

I have a new favourite place to eat at. Mad Mex. So good. Best burritos. Keen to try the nachos there. And its vegetarian friendly! And easy on the wallet, aswell. which I always find good. And sssoooooooooo filling. I ate around 1pm today, and im still feeling not hungry after eating then. I am deffinatly going back there for a good feed. Speaking of vegetarian friendly, I'm trying out this whole being a vegetarian thing. It's going good. I'm not craving meat. I did eat some meat over the weekend at Mels, but not a whole lot. Apart from that, I haven't eaten meat since i think, maybe a month ago? It's good. I'm eating more vegies. I'm saving a few dollars. I'm feeling a little healthier. I'm going to keep it going for a while longer, as I'm really enjoying it. I'm also getting a little more adventurous with my cooking. It's fun.

I'm seeing my pyschiatrist again tomorrow. She never called me back after I left a voicemail on her phone. So I've just been taking my new medications before I go to bed, instead of taking them at 5pm, and then being asleep at 7.30pm. I don't find that very amusing. It's not something I wanted to do for a whole week, so I take my meds before I go to sleep. And then I sleep really good througout the night. Also getting back all my blood results, aswell. 6 vials of blood. About 10 or so different tests. Find out what's wrong with me.

I really Hate Centrelink

I got a letter from Centrelink.

"Suspension of your Youth Allowance

Important Information, your youth allowance has been suspended because we have not received a reply to a letter we sent you."

Way to not be informative. What letter? Is the rent certificate you sent me about a month ago? I have already given you about 6 rent certificates this year, why do you need another one?

And as I have been informed by my housemates, they got mailed on Friday, November 7.

The letter is dated November 6. 

One of my housemates went into Centrelink to hand the rent certificates in personally. She couldn't do that. So my other housemate mailed them on Friday.

I will be personally going into Centrelink tomorrow, to find out what the deal is, as all their letters are not informative. 

So it's good. Two reason to go to Darlinghurst. I will be making an appointment to get a consult for a new tattoo. I've been wanting this tattoo for about a year, now. I'm finally going to be getting it. And it's going to be amazing. I love the feeling of a new tattoo. I love showing off a new tattoo. I love the smell of bepanthen.

I'll be getting something very similar to this:

I will not be getting naked to show off my tattoo when done, though. I will be keeping my clothes on. 

Once done, I will have 6 tattoos (I will be counting all the bats as one tattoo). And I'm not stopping there. I have plans, and ideas, for more tattoos. My mum won't be impressed. But I will be impressed. A few of my friends may question my need and want for more tattoos. But it's my body, and I will do what I want with it.

retail therapy really is the best therapy

It was Mels birthday on Saturday. It was a good day. I went to her place for lunch. First time I have eaten meat for a few weeks. Even though I didnt eat much meat. Saw Sabrina. I havent seen her since February. Just on Saturday night, I learnt so much more about her. Im glad I know her. After dessert (which I ate more of then lunch), Mel, Sabrina and I went into Sabrinas dads spa. We overflowed the spa with bubbles. Onto the floor. It was good. We had drank champagne and ate chilli chocolate and talked heaps. It was good just to be there with them two. After spa shenanigans, we went into Wollongong. I have to say, I really dislike Wollongong nightlife. Theres afew clubs, all playing the same music. Not enough people. Clubs all ask for a $10 cover charge. Everything is the same, and to be honest, boring. We spent the majority of the night at Ivory. The club for people 25yrs or older. I didnt get asked for id. The cocktails there are good, and the music is alright, but I have been to better, more fun clubs (I love you Hot Damn).

I came back to Sydney earlier today, but before that, I went shopping in Wollongong. I prefer General Pants in Wollongong compared to General Pants in Haymarket and QVB. I bought a new top, it's cute as, and is in running with my cat theme.

I'm really starting to like Cotton On. I got the cutest skirt today. I saw it, and thought it was cute. Decided to go back after buying the top to try it on. I then bought it.

I like the skirt as high waisted, but it can be worn on the hips. I'm going through the high waisted trend. Well, I'm trying too. It's not going so well. But I keep trying at it.

Also bought new body wash. Natio Polish. The greatest exfoliator body wash I have ever used. My skin feels so lush after using it, and it smells great. 

My sleeping pattern is all over the place. But I have discovered, if I take my new meds later at night, instead of at 5pm, I'm still awake at 9pm, and I sleep through the night. I will keep up with that, till I see my psychiatrist next. I hope she doesn't mind, but I'm not a fan of falling asleep at 8pm every night of the week.

I told my best friend. I'm getting treated for schizophrenia. She still loves me. To her, I'm still the same person. Even when I get old, I will still be the same person, just older. She agreed on that, when discussing our funeral plans this morning.

the first - Nov 7, 2008

My first blog. I dont know what inspired me. I think the need to write things down more often, that isnt paper and pen, as I always lose paper and pen. Im constantly looking for pens. Im constantly throwing out too much paper. Internet does not require pen or paper. No more searching.

Im seeing a new pyschiatrist. I like her. She put me on a new medication yesterday, and as of today, I'm not enjoying it. I have to take it at 5pm everyday. It's not 5.34pm. I'm yet to take it today. I took it at 5pm yesterday. I slept from 7pm till 10am this morning. Today has not been good. Been tired/sleeping all day. When I woke up, I couldn't move my legs for a few minutes. When I did get out of bed, I was extremely shaky. It took longer then usual to make a sandwich. I went to put the jam in the cupboard, instead of the fridge. This morning, I nearly put green cordial on my cereal, instead of milk. I'm feeling alittle better after a shower, and laying down, not sleeping. I'm not shaky anymore. Nauseated. Headache. I will have some cordial, and some left-over vegie stirfry for dinner, and take my new medication. 

Im photographing a show tonight. I hope it goes well. Have not photographed a show for a few months. I dont know what is going to happen. I hope I get good shots. I need a good portfolio. I want to do photography full-time next year, not part-time. I hope the band likes my photos. Its always me questioning my own abilities, and not fully believing when people say they like my photography.

Was going to paint today, but that didnt happen. A cup of water is sitting on my desk, ready to take on a dirty paintbrush or two. 

I hoping to have a good weekend. Its Mels birthday tomorrow. I hope I cant stay awake all night, just to hang out with her, talk to her. And Sabrina will be over, aswell. I haven't seen her since Feb 17. 

I'm going to get dressed now. Im just hanging on my bed, in a towel, nothing else. I need to face the outside world. I need to put on clean clothes, comb my hair, take my medications and eat some dinner. I need to go into the city, take some photos, enjoy myself, get a free slurpee or two.

Happy 7/11 day

xx