best

ever.
from what I can remember.
I would like more, please.

& all the pain went away. I couldn't feel it. It was some of the best hours of this year. & I would like some more, but my fingers aren't crossed.

Christmas 2009

I had an amazing day.
I just spent the day at home with my mum (except for her daily coffee run)

I woke up 7 am needing to pee (as usual), and since mum has told me the night before she wanted to start the day around 10 am or so, I willed myself back to sleep. Waking up 2 hours later at 10 am, i rushed out of bed to wake up my mum and wish her a Merry Christmas! She wanted to stay in bed and wake up for an extra 10 mins, so I let her, while I opened up the goodies in my santa stocking. Inside my santa stocking were two mini boxes of Lindt chocolate, a plastic christmas bell with jellybells and a walking penguin toy, mini gingerbread men, and three nailpolishes from Sportsgirl - minty green, watermellony pink, and a shiny light purple).
Mum came out into the dining room where we opened all of our presents and waited for breakfast to be cooked.
I got for my mum a $40 JB-HiFi gift voucher, seasons 1 & 2 of Flight of the Concords, Best of Annie Lennox CD/DVD, Cadel Evans autobiography, box of Lindt chocolate, block of Lindt dark chocolate with orange, Byron Bay Cookie Co. cookies, a box of stamps, dragonflies to use for scrapbooking, and an apron (which was worn pretty much all day!!!)
My mum got me electric beaters, two Women's Weekly cookbooks, Fierce by Kelly Osbourne, Buffy collectors edition boxset, underpants, a manicure kit, 10 Things I hate About You DVD, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion DVD, The Sixth Sense DVD, The Castle DVD, The Addams Family Values DVD, Now And Then DVD, 1000 Things To Do In London for 10pounds book.

After all the presents were unwrapped, it was time for breakfast, out tradition of croissants - so yummy!!! With raspberry jam. Such an awesome breakfast!!!

After breakfast, we flicked through our books, and I sent a few merry christmas text messages, and then got dressed and went out to get mum her coffee. I wore my new lace dres (which is VERY cute), and then we came home and started watching the DVDs we had gotten. We ate some nuts (and I ate half a carrot), and then mum decided it was time to start cooking tea - and to start drinking champagne.
After a while, dinner was ready - roast turkey, and vegies (parsnip, potato, sweet potato, pumpkin, corn on the cob and brocollini). Dinner was good!!! (except the turkey was really salty, which I didnt really enjoy). After eating dinner, me and mum just sat at the table talking for aaaaaaaaaaaages and drinking lots of champagne. I thought it was great - we haven't sat down and talking like that for such a long time. We also kept drinking lots of champagne (and got a little drunk), and then we had some dessert! Mum had made a christmas pudding yesterday, which was saved for dessert, which we had with thick cream - it was such a good pudding!!! (We even had seconds).
After leaving the table, we decided to watch some more DVDs till we got all tired (the champagne probobly got to our heads aswell), so it we both went to bed.

Till I realised I couldn't sleep (as usual), so thought it would be a good idea to write this christmas blog before I forgot all about christmas day.

I had an amazing christmas day :) minus all the pain in my leg and waiting for every four hours till when I could next take more painkillers, it was a great day with good presents and good food and an awesome conversation, and even looking at photographs (and myself not recognising my own grandfather).
I really do wish for more christmases like today to come. Even if it is just only me and my mum, its the only thing I know, and the only thing I like, especially on days like christmas and birthdays.

december twenty three

It's been exactly one year since I got the surgery on my hip.
Towards the end, I didn't really want the surgery, as I knew there was a 50/50 chance of the surgery not getting rid of the pain, and I was thinking, why get the surgery, which is going to be painful anyway, and possibly come out the other side, still in pain?
But my friend at the time said to get it, and it could work and whatever else was said (I wasn't really paying much attention to a lot of things which were said to me around that point in time).
Obviously, the surgery didn't work, and one year on from the surgery (and nearly 3 years on from the car accident), I'm still in pain.
If anything, the pain is worse. For the past three and a half weeks, the pain has been so bad, at one stage I was taking 6 different types of pain killers a day. I spent a day in hospital. I've been to the doctors more times these past few weeks then I can count on one hand, and right now, I'm constantly counting down the hours till I can next take more pain killers (right now, I only have a 20 min wait). This is not how I imagined I would be living like at 22. This is not how I imagined the rest of my life would be like.

It sucks to be me.

For a while, all I want to do is just sit and cry. Lay down and cry. I just want to cry till I can't cry anymore. The pain is just getting to me and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Just the constant day in, day out really bad pain is doing my head in. Not mention it being Christmas time, and as I get older, more things make me dis-like Christmas - and this is another reason to dis-like Christmas. I've always felt a little more sad then usual around Christmas time. Knowing it's another year of being permanently in pain makes me a little more upset.
All I want for Christmas is for this pain to go away, but I know that is not going to happen.
At least I finally got an appointment with a Pain Management Clinic. Just really annoyed that I had to wait for about 5 months, only to get an appointment thats still another 3 months away.
Heres hoping I don't need to keep relying on my years supply of Panadiene Forte, and this pain eases up in time for the New Year.

I am hoping for a better New Years then last year. One that isn't spent falling asleep on the lounge at 11 pm, drowsy from too many pain killers.

sunday morning

his bedroom smelt like sex
my dress smelt like cigarettes
his shampoo and conditioner smelt amazing



my hair now smells amazing

04/12/2009

awesome night. I think a few too many cocktails were consumed, but they were sssoooooooo yummy I couldn't stop drinking them!!!


To celebrate passing Tafe, Rose, Letisha, her fiance Tyson and I all went out for cocktails. We started at the Brewery, where cocktails were $6, then $7, the $8.
Started out by skulling a Long Island Iced Tea, as I got there late, and Rosie and Letisha were onto their second cocktails, so I had to catch up!!!
We then got our next cocktails - Cosmos!!! Then played pool. I can't remember who won, but it was a game that went on forever, as I started drinking a strawberry Daquiri throughout the game.

We then decided to head to Glasshouse, where at the bar I saw a sign.
I think it was the sign that killed me.
The sign that said COCKTAILS!!! $5 TILL 11 PM!!!

Since it was only about 9 pm, multiple $5 cocktails were consumed.
My night consisted a little like long island iced tea, cosmo, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, water, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, strawberry daquiri, water, water, water, spew, water, water, water, spew, water water, spew, water water, water, walking home. With dancing thrown in somewhere in between. And getting photos taken, which I kinda don't remember happening, but Letisha does, and she said I said something about how I'm going to be on the internet.
Letisha then found us on the internet. So I'm on the internet. Looking pretty wasted.


More cocktails will have to be consumed soon. Hopefully without the vomit (and all the bad seedy guys, which I have left out this post as they spiked my friends drink, and don't want to fill a post of awesomeness, full of explicitives.

all over

Tafe is finished. All done. Now I'm holidays for who knows how long. I'm hoping it's not long as I really want to get a job, start saving money, have something to do other then roast in the sun all day every day.

The good thing about the course I did, is my typing has improved so much!!! I did a fair few typing tests yesterday, and got a few 100% accuracies, and the teacher wrote me out a proper letter stating I have a typing speed of 68.5 with 98.8% accuracy. Which, personally, I think is amazing :)

I definitely think my accuracy has improved heaps since I started Tafe.

Still undecided about going back to Tafe next year. I know I'd much rather have a job and work and save as much money as I can to take me to London, and try to finally get my compensation claim finalised, as I'm going to be using most of that money to get my overseas. I also owe my mum $$$, and I want a new tattoo or two. Maybe even buy a good pair of jeans to take o/s, as I know it's going to be cold, so lots of warm clothes will be needed!!!

I'm going to be so bored if I don't get a job, also a little down, as I want to work. I really want to work. I did this course in hopes of improving my chances of getting a job, making myself more employable. I've applied for so many jobs, and have gotten so many rejection emails, a fair few just don't even contact if I haven't been successful for an interview (which I think is rude). I have had a fair few interviews, but so far, unsuccessful. I did have one interview last Friday, and I want this job ssssooooooooooooooooooooo much!!! I think I will shed a tear or two if I don't get it.

2 more weeks of tafe left. & I don't know what to do. I've completely finished tech, so I'm now down to 8.5 hrs a week of tafe. I get to sleep in on Wednesdays.

I'm really really really hoping I get a job for the summer holidays, or else I'm going to be sssooooooooo extremely bored!!!

I've been applying for so many jobs. I did have one interview on Wednesday, but I don't think I got the job. but I will keep on applying for jobs. 

I'm thinking of doing a cocktail course. that will keep me busy, if only for one day.

but I want a job!!!

please!!!

i've decided to stop making plans with the people i call my friends

i'm sick of being let down all the time.

i'd rather stay at home where it's safe and warm.

where i have everything i need.

once more with feeling

You can never tell who is telling you a lie these days.

I just found out yesterday my then best friend lied to me. That, or her boyfriend/ex boyfriend/boyfriend/ex boyfriend/boyfriend is lieing to me.

I think I'm still just amazed at the fact that two people who don't know how to be in a relationship, are still in a relationship. The girl with the boyfriend who calls her a 'fucking cunt' in front of friends. 

The at-the-time ex boyfriend who said he was going to move away so he didn't have to see her anymore. Or did he not say that and you're lieing to me? Like the apparent, you broke up and he slept with another girl, but now he told me he never slept with anyone and you lied to me.

Or he did sleep with someone, but he is telling me he didn't sleep someone, and he has been loyal to you all these years. All these years of breaking up and getting back together. All these years of her asking me for advice (and never taking any of it). Of her calling me and asking me if she should change her number, as she doesn't want him calling her anymore, she never wants to talk to him again (they were back together about 4 days after this phone call). 

I really don't care if my friends are in relationships or not. But if you're going to ask me for advice, I'd rather you take it, instead or ignore it. I don't ignore you. I have never ignored you. Don't make promises to come out partying with me, and then break them, two nights in a row, for your ex boyfriend. Of course I'm going to pissed off. I've never made a promise to you, and then broke it as I would rather be with my ex boyfriend who has having emotional problems. There are 24 hours in a day. You had spent 12 of them with your ex boyfriend. Was it really that hard to spend 5 or 6 hours of the night with me? Saturday didn't disappear. It never does. Saturday is another 24 hours for you to spend with your ex boyfriend. 

Don't tell me and mother all your relationship drama, and how you're never going to see your ex boyfriend again, it's over, you have met someone new, you like the someone new, and then only to ditch the someone new, and go back to your ex boyfriend. I think it's pathetic. I think you are pathetic. You make up things about me, you criticise me, you call me stubborn, when you are equally as stubborn. You're a hypocrite. You're an ignorant bitch. You're pathetic for throwing away all those years of friendship. I hate you so fucking much. 

I miss spending time with you. 

I hate you so fucking much.

Adelaide

16 October;

My last full day in Adelaide. I was quite a little sad about that, but had an awesome day.

After spending most of the morning waiting for my uncle Pete and watching kids shows with Ivy, we set off to Central Markets for lunch. After finding a table and after I did a few laps of the food court, I settled on prawn wonton laksa. Totally have no idea what's in a wonton, but I don't like them, so I wont order one of them again. Apart from the wontons, the laksa was delicious and filling, and not overly spicy. Uncle Pete decided he wanted to pay for my lunch, so he handed $10 over to me, which I then went shopping with. Katie and I went into one of the many Asian supermarkets, and I bought strawberry cream filled pretzels (not too sure how they are pretzels, as the picture on the box does not resemble a pretzel - I can report back after I've opened the box and eaten them), a bag of grape jellies, and strawberry Japanese Zappo. And Katie bought Pocky, as I've never had it before, and she wanted me to try it. We walked through the HUGE awesome Central Markets - this place is amazing - and I bought a chai latte from a tea cafe, which name I cannot remember (it's a bit like T2, only they also make tea and coffee and milkshakes, and you can buy sandwiches and cakes and stuff).

Uncle Pete, Katie, Ivy and I all walked back to the car, full of food, to drive to the Japanese Gardens. It was really pretty in there, small, but pretty. I liked the peace garden, where all the sand/gravel was raked into really straight lines, and circled around large rocks, which are meant to be like islands in an ocean. There was also a duck pond, in which Ivy and I were looking in for fish (no fish were seen). After it started raining, we went back to the car and drove through the middle of the city to get back to uncle Pete's place.

Once at uncle Pete's, I met his array of animals - Henny Penny the bantem chook, Oscar the large, white cat, and Jesse/Silly Boy the dog. My favourite is definitely Henny Penny (who likes to eat weet-bix).

Ivy and I watched Cars (and I drank some more wine), while uncle Pete cooked burgers and homemade chips for dinner. Yum yum yum! Love Actually was on that night, so we all watched that, and went to bed, till it would be time to wake up at 6 am, to make it to the airport in time.

I got about 3 hours of sleep. I don't know why, but some nights I cannot sleep, and that was a night I could not sleep. But I still managed to get up and get ready in time to leave for the airport. Ivy was excited as! She loves watching the planes, and I think she was more interested in watching the planes, then saying goodbye to me. But she still gave me heaps of hugs and kisses before I went on the plane, and Katie took some photos of me and her watching the planes together.

Adelaide

15 October;

I decided to venture out into the city today. The weather was looking a little more friendlier, and I wanted to do the touristy sight-seeing, and hopefully do some shopping.

I got directions to the train station from Katie, plus a few extra directions to places of potential interest, and off I went.

Train stations in Adelaide are weird (from NSW train stations). You buy your ticket on the train, and all tickets (including bus tickets), have to be validated after you have bought them. Which totally confused me (I even have an un-validated bus ticket from my first day in Adelaide).

Made it to the city and walked up North Terrace, to the Museum, admiring the really old, gorgeous buildings on the way. The Museum was awesome! I'm not sure if my favourite was the whale and dolphin bones hanging from the roof (from real animals, most that had been beached, and then died from not being able to make it back out to ocean), or the Egyptian room. There were actual mumified cats and a human mummy in there. It would have been ten times better if the room was bigger then my mums bedroom, and had more things to look at. I also enjoyed the 4 level deep sea squid, which freaked me out, thinking how something that large and scary looking is swimming about in the sea. Would never want to encounter one of them. Ever.

After the Museum, it was time for lunch, so I went out looking for a vegetarian cafe Katie had raved about that morning. Of course I didn't find it, but did lust after most items in the Sass and Bide store, and then found a cafe and had the HUGEST bowl of spicy bean nachos with guacamole and sour cream. I love nachos, but that bowl was just too huge for one meal.

After lunch I browsed the mall, and walked up the other end of Rundle Street. After walking around pretty much all day, I decided it was time to head back to Katie's place, in time for dinner. (After making a stop at the bottle store for more wine.)

Adelaide

14 October;

The weather in Adelaide was awful. So cold and windy and rainy, so I just lazed about Katies house, with Ivy, in our pajamas, eating yummy food and watching the television and wishing for better weather.

It was a lazy and uneventful day, but I enjoyed it. I was on holidays. I can stay in my pajamas all day and not leave the house and still have fun.

Heaps more talking and catching and getting to know whats been happening was done again all day. Ate some toasted sandwiches with left over veggies from the pizza for lunch and more wishing for better weather.

Katie introduced me to a new type of tofu for dinner. Id only eaten tofu in laksa before, so the tofu tasted like the laksa, and it also had a bready coating, but tonight, Katie cooked some tofu cooked in balsamic, with a salad and pita bread. It was different, but I rather enjoyed it, and would definitely eat Katies balsamic tofu again. We drank more and talked more and I enjoyed Ivy's chattering and asking questions and being fascinated by my tattoos until it was time for bed.

Adelaide

October 13;

3.30 am wake-up and a big hug with my cat, who decided it was time to give my cheek a clean, thanks Meg! 

After getting ready, and nearly forgetting my deodorant, it was time to go to the airport in time to check in for my 6.35 am flight to Adelaide. Made it with plenty time to spare and got my boarding passes to Sydney, and to come back home (which saved time at Adelaide airport before I went home).

My mum got all excited at seeing the Krispy Kreme store, and then got let down it was closed. Had some yogurt and muesli for an early breakfast with mum (I have never eaten breakfast at 6 am before), and then went to wait for my plane.

Sucked majorly, as I didn't get the window seat, but the aisle seat does have it's advantages. And I finally conquered my fear of airplane toilets! (Although I did jump at the sound of the toilet flushing, so it may not be 100% conquered.)

Made it to Adelaide in one piece! It was a bit of a bumpy ride, but I like turbulence, for some reason, it reminds me of roller-coaster rides.

Got lost in Adelaide airport. I was looking EVERYWHERE for the bus stop, and was going to catch a taxi to my cousins place, when I decided to try the upstairs exit. Disco! Found the bus that goes to North Terrace!

After the bus ride into the city, I got lost again. I couldn't find the bus stop that would take me to Katies. I was walking all up and down North Terrace looking for this bus stop, till I get to the train station, so I cross the road to go to the train station, when I see a bus stop that the bus I need to catch it. I was on the wrong side of the road the entire time. about 40 minutes of looking for a bus stop, when all the time I was on the wrong side. I suck at directions. 

After waiting for about 40 minutes for the next bus to come (in the freezing cold wind!) I finally got onto the bus to take me to Katies. Yay!

Made it to Towers Terrace and waited for Katie and Ivy, about 3.5 hours after I actually got to Adelaide. 

It was so good to see my cousin again!!! I can't remember the last time I saw her, but it had definitely been a loooooooong time (it had been 12.5 years since the last time I was in Adelaide). And I finally met Ivy! My gosh, she is soooooooo CUTE!!! (And she looks like me, too, alot like my when I was that age.)

We got some lunch, and then went home to Katies place, where we at lunch and caught up and I got to witness the joys of a three year old, eating too many tim tams and getting a sugar rush.

There was so much catching up to do, and so much learning about my family and I loved it.

After thinking the rain had finally let off for the day, Katie, Ivy and I got a taxi to the shopping centre to get some food and lots of wine, and then back home to drink the lots of wine, and eat amazing pizza (balsamic caramelized onion, roast pumpkin, roast carrot, tomato and cheese - amazingly yum!)

After drinking a few too many glasses of wine and being awake for sssoooooooooo long (and gaining an extra half hour or so to my day with the time difference) it was time for bed.

Im going to Adelaide tomorrow. Gosh, it's been ages since I've been on a really good holiday. I went to Canberra for a few days last year, but I got hayfever, and severely missed Sydney. I did not enjoy the nightlife, but I did enjoy the shopping at DFO and another place, that had sales shops. And it was good to spend a few days with Ally, who I don't think I had seen at all that year until then. Oh, and I ate some of the most AMAZINGEST nachos. And found a supermarket that sold so many poptarts and cherry coke. It was sugar heaven. I spent $20 on poptarts. Then a few more dollars on Hershey's.

But now I'm going to Adelaide for a few days. To visit family, and to get out of Wollongong, because, as usual, it's doing my head in.

I'm looking forward to seeing my cousins and uncle and aunt. It's been forever. I haven't seen Katie for nearly 13 years. And I haven't seen uncle Pete for about 5 or 6 years. It should be good.

I hope it will be good. I will make it good. 

Even more, I'm quite looking forward to the plane ride. There's something fascinating about traveling on a plane. And this will be the first time as a solo traveller on a plane. And I have a good/trashy book to read to pass the time.

For my next holiday, I want to go back to Byron Bay. Then, hopefully, I will be in London, and traveling all over Europe for a year or so (or so I'm planning to).

ps. I had the most amazing night last Thursday. It was amazing.

I wish I could record my thoughts. In my head, I seem to say everything so right, yet when it comes the time, I can't get anything out the right way. 

I forget half the things I want to say. I can't seem to say things in order. I come up with new things on the spot, that are sometimes out of line, and therefore, don't make any sense.

If I could just somehow record my thoughts, maybe I could speak clearer, and actually be heard in the way I want to be heard.

But that never happens and no one ever listens to me and I can never say the things I want to say in the way I want to say them.

Job Interviews

They are a like/dislike thing for me. I like them, as it's one step closer to getting a new job. I dislike them, as there is the wait after the interview, to find out if you actually have the job or not.

Im currently in the dislike stage. 

I had a job interview for Myer yesterday. And I would really like to get the job. Even more so, as Forever New is now open in Wollongong, and I know too much of money is going to be going into their cash register. I really like some of the shoes they have there! And I love love love new shoes! Now I just need a job to fund my new shoe habit. 

My new shoes I bought a few weeks ago from Sportsgirl are now really comfy. They could be a little more comfier, but they aren't a strain on my feet anymore, which is amazing. And good, because they are so cute!

I dyed my hair yesterday before the job interview, and stupid me, I accidently got hair dye on the end of my left eyebrow. Damn. I thought it was just on my skin, so I was trying to rub it off with anything I thought. Hopefully.

Oh well. I now have 2-4 weeks of waiting to find out if I get the job at Myer or not. But to pass time quicker, I'm going to Adelaide!!! I'm so looking forward to it!!! I get to see family who I haven't seen since I was 10, and I get to meet new family! And I won't be in Wollongong for 5 days! So much excitement!!! 

I also have a week's work placement at Novotel during the last week of October aswell, so that should be good. Sorry, Tafe, but I will be not in you, again, when I should be in you. Oh well, I may stay back later on Thursday afternoons to catch up, and no leaving early on the other days, to get as much work in as possible. And I've nearly finished my tech module, kind of. Which will mean I get Wednesdays off of Tafe. And most of Tuesdays. Which will be fabulous. 

Still a little undecided as to if I should do Cert IV next year, or if I should do another art course. Or hopefully just work. I have no idea.

and i want to go now. i want everything to hurry up and change again. i don't like this.

i want next year to get here faster. i want to move to london now. 

i know people say that running away from your problems wont fix anything, but i know i am going to have so much more fun london, than i will have here.

new people, new places, new cities, new lights.

new friends.

better friends.

i will come back a better person.

friends

suck.

I Love Sydney

Even if 85% of the time I go there, I'm by myself. It's good me time, and most of the time, I'd rather shop with no one else with me, as I feel more rushed when with friends.

Except yesterday. I couldn't shop. It just wasn't working for me. It may have been the shoes I was wearing. I don't know.

So I had to get up at 6 am to make it to the train station for the 7.03 am train. I was hoping to never catch that train again after moving to Sydney last year, but the inevitable came yesterday. I had to make an earlier appointment to see my psychiatrist, and she had a cancellation at 9 am, so I took it. Which meant catching such an early train and getting into Sydney at 8.36 am. Rush rush rush to Newtown for the appointment and was only 10mins late, and it was good, as my Dr was also late.

After my appointment, I had an awesome brunch of cinnamon toast and a banana smoothie, then went to QVB. By that time, my feet were so sore!!! I bought new shoes on Saturday and wore them for the first time to Sydney. Not a good idea. My feet are generally between sizes 6 to 8, depending on the brand. With Sportsgirl ballet flats, I should take a size 6.5 shoe. Sportsgirl don't make half sized shoes. So instead of going the 7 and having my feet falling out of my shoes, I went the size 6. So tight when walking in them for a long time!!! But such cute shoes, I'm going to keep wearing them, and HOPEFULLY stretch them out a little so they won't be a tight and painful. (ps. Sportsgirl have AMAZING shoe boxes!)

So I didn't do much shopping in QVB, did see a top I want, but didn't even try it on. Walked down to World Square and went into Cotton On to try on this leopard print dress I want. I've tried it on before, but I wasn't too sure about it, so I tried it on again. I still really like it, but I'm still not too sure about it. As I was putting it back on the rack, I saw the cutest sequined mini skirt. I think I have to go back and try that on, and hopefully, like it. I like having new clothes. But I was a little disheartened about the dress, that I just walked back to Central to catch the next train home. Since I had 40mins to wait, I bought the new Vogue to read during my wait, and train ride home. While I was still at World Square, I was considering going to see a movie, but figured I would probobly have to wait a while till the next session came on for the movie I wanted to see, and it would probobly be quicker going straight home. 

That didn't happen. While waiting for the train, I checked out the movie times on my phone, and saw the next session for the movies I wanted to see were on in 20mins. So it was rush rush rush back pass World Square to get to the cinemas. And I made it in just before the previews ended.

I saw My Sister's Keeper. There were tears. It was so sad! As I have read the book (and cryed while reading), I knew what was going to happen, and was actually getting sad at the very start of the movie. I am the worst person to go to the movies with. The movie was so good!!! Except for the ending. It was completely different to how the book ended, and I had read this in reviews for the movie, so I was expecting it (and kind of had an idea as to how the movie would end). But it actually let me down. Sure, I had tears, but I was so let down! But I can see it becoming a movie I would want to watch over and over.

After the movie, I went back home, read most of Vogue, and endured a slow walk home from the train station, where I finally got to take off my shoes and walk around barefoot.

i think i get it now.

but i'm not sure.

i'm over anxious and worry too much, and over think everything. i suck at friendships. i cant do relationships. i care too much about things and people who i really shouldn't care about, and the things and people i should care about, i wouldn't give a second thought to.

when i should be worrying about the future, i'm stressing about now. i dwell on the past. i try to fix mistakes that can't be fixed.

i people who i shouldn't like. i do things i shouldn't do. i want things i shouldn't want.

nothing makes sense. ever.

i try to make an effort, but no one else does. it just gets me more and more angry.

sorry is just a word that is thrown around way to freely -  much like love and hate.

does anyone even know what love or hate is? is anyone even really sorry any more?

saying something doesn't mean anything these days. don't believe the hype. don't believe anything.

people don't seem to make an effort anymore, unless if it benefits themselves, and themselves only. and the people who care too much, just get left behind with nothing left but memories that don't mean anything.

it just seems that to get ahead, you have to hurt everyone you know. you have to hurt the people who thought they meant something to you. you have to lose all your feelings and not care about anyone but yourself. the world does revolve around you, and if you don't get what you want, you haven't done enough damage. you still have too many friends.

i always fuck everything up.

i say what's on my mind and it hurts other people.

i don't say what's on my mind and it hurts me.

i hate tuesdays

today was not my day.

i woke up with stomach pain, so decided to lay in bed a little longer, which resulted in my getting up at 7.50am (i start tafe at 8.30am).

by the time i had made my lunch for the day and drank my up'n'go for breakfast, it was 8.05am (im usually out of the house at this time - or earlier).

after finally getting dressed and doing my hair and packing my bag and brushing my teeth, i finally left the house about 8.30am.

i was walking to the bus stop, trying to put my ipod on. it had a dead battery.

about 1 minute before i got the bus stop, the bus went past, so i kept walking on the next bus stop around the corner. before i could cross the road, the other bus went pass. i missed two buses in one minute.

i walked home to get mum to drive me to tafe as i knew if i waited the 20-30mins for the next bus, it would probobly be morning break by the time i got to tafe.

as i was walking back up my street, a construction worker starts singing to me. so gross.

when i get to the front door, i realised i forgot to pack my key into my bag.

lucky my mum came and answered the door and let me in and drove me to tafe.

after about 20mins of doing tafe work, i start to get a migraine. but i toughed it out and stayed at tafe all day.

i then went home and slept for 2 hours. which was amazing.

i think one of the only highlights of today was mum making me porridge with mixed berries and brown sugar for dinner. 

thanks mum!!!

girl crush #1

lily cole is amazing

fuck

sometimes it feels like i'm falling

my last day of nothingness

and i haven't really done anything exciting.

i got up and made some raisin toast for breakfast and made a few phone calls while watching tv.

i went on the treadmill for a little over 30mins, and then i had a shower and washed my hair.

i lurked the internet, then got dressed. i took the nail polish off the nails on my left hand.

now im blogging.

im going to the gym around 2pm, then i will sit in Gloria Jeans for an hour or so, reading the paper and gossip magazines with my mum. i will go into town, and possibly buy a lace bodysuit and maybe put a dress on laybuy. i will meet mel around 5.30om and we will see Bruno.

I will then go home and make pizza for dinner. mel might have pizza with me, or she might not have pizza with me. i need to go to woolies sometime between after Gloria Jeans and before going to the mall. i need food for tafe.

i'm going back to tafe tomorrow. i haven't studied since about August of last year. i just stopped going to tafe. i've pretty much done nothing since then. nothing of much importance, anyway. i've had little structure and routine in my life for the past 11months, and now i'm getting it all back. 4days a week, 22hrs a week, i will be at tafe. i will be doing something. i also get work placement with my course. business administration cert lll. i'm kinda doing something with my life again. i hope it goes well.

the middle of a restaurant is not the greatest place to have a coughing fit. 

even more so when your mouth is full of steak.

ill be chowing down on butter menthols tomorrow. just have to buy some first.

fighting with friends sucks

sorry for being such an inconvenience to your night

just for future reference, I most likely cant walk as fast as you, and when I say 'Im walking as fast I can', I am actually walking as fast as I can, and cannot possibly walk any faster without inflicting pain upon myself. this may make it look as though I "cannot be bothered", but that is far from the truth. sorry for inconveniencing you with my slow walking ways.

i know i shouldn't be doing this

but i just can't help myself

I want a new beanie

OCTOPUS BEANIE!!!

this is why I dont like winter

stuffy noses, too much snot, too much phlegm, coughing, sneezing, sore and watery eyes, sore/dry lips, sinusitis, tonsilitis, chilly winds, cold rain.

I never want to get out of bed in the morning, I want to stay in all day where it is all warm and cosy. It's too cold outside.

Winter is just a season of grossness.

But I like the clothes!!!

jeans, beanies, gloves, scarfs, layers, hoodies, jackets, fuzzy bed socks, slippers, flannelette pajame pants.

So Im moving back into my mums. I am honestly quite scared about how it will turn out, as we always seem to fight, and every single thing gets blamed on me, and mum constantly nags me about every single little tiny thing, and it makes me so angry.

I've written up a contract. Im hoping my mum follows it, as the first line on hers is "No nagging Sophie, as this makes her angry, and you don't want an angry daughter."

I've also written down for her to get broadband/wireless internet. She still has dial-up internet. I seriously can not live with dial-up internet. I went to check my emails at her place a few weeks ago - it seriously took 30mins just for hotmail to open. Then I gave up (I seriously think I had given up when it took just over 10mins for her homepage to load, but for reason, I kept waiting). So heres hoping she finally steps up a little with technology and says hello to broadband internet. Then I will be able to properly check my emails, facebook, and myspace, apply for jobs, update my blog and read other blogs (preferably food blogs), and just to generally keep in contact with friends, as some of them rarely have credit, and msn is just so much easier to talk to people at times (I try to limit the amount of time I spend talking on the phone. Its not that Im scared of getting a brain tumor, I just don't like talking on the phone, I don't like answering the phone, I don't like making phone calls.)

I got a new wallet today. Very long overdue, and I'm very pleased with my new wallet. It's more of a purse then a wallet. Whatever, I like it.

Anyway, as I was cleaning out my old wallet to transfer everything I need into my new purse, I found this article folded up in the depths of my wallet.

"A Chinese man has had the same pet snail for 11 years - and takes it for walks. Yang Jinsen has now had his pet for twice the normal life span of a snail. Jinsen, of Dongwan, found the snail when he was 14 and the snail the size of a coin. Now, he's a married man and the snail fills the palm of his hand. "I built a small home for it in the yard, and fed it water and soil," he said. "On weekends, I would take it walking in the fields."

I think that is pretty amazing. When I was younger, I used to collect all the snails from the vegie garden and put them in old ice-cream containers, with rocks and grass. The ice-cream containers would always be empty by the next morning. Owning the same snail for 11 years is a pretty amazing achievement.

Im trading my mother in for another one. One who is more technologically advanced. My mum has a mobile phone. She never uses it. I needed to talk to her today, to ask her a question. I couldn't, as she was not at home, and her mobile phone NEVER leaves the house. No matter how many times I ask her to use it, she won't. It really pisses me off. Sometimes I need to talk to her, and the only way to do that, sometimes, is via mobile phones. I hate her.

Vampire Books

I was browsing the bookstore yesterday, and was astounded by the amount of vampire novels there were. And not just vampire novels, but series of vampire novels. It seems as though the Twilight series has created some sort sudden influx of everyone releasing vampire novels and series, thinking they will have the same amount of fame and talk about it. To be honest, none of them looked that intriguing. I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but there were a few that had the similar covers at the books in the Twilight series. Blatant ripoffs like that are not going to make me purchase your book. Im not going to froth over them. I'm not going to borrow them from the library and read them. I'm going to sit back, and read books that aren't obviously trying to become as big as Twilight.

Sure, it was a good book. It started getting a little old and tedious after the second book, and Bella is one character who I wish never existed. She is extremely boring, and it's quite obvious she does not know how to live a life as an independent person. It comes across even worse in the movie. Actually, the movie was not even that great. I admit, I only watched it to perve on Robert Pattinson. The acting wasn't that great, but I have seen much worse movies. And yes, I have plans on purchasing it on dvd (once it's much cheaper), and I also have plans on seeing the other movies in the series.

I am reading another vampire novel at the moment. But it is far from being anything like Twilight, and its other ripoffs.

Let The Right One In, by John Ajvide Lindqvist. Im not even halfway through the book, but Im enjoying it much more then all four Twilight books put together. This has also been made into a movie, which I am keen to see. I will deffinatly be getting his other book Handling The Undead. (He does have other books, but they have not yet been translated from Swedish to English.)

Rehabilitation/Physiotherapy

Pretty sure it's my last session of physiotherapy tomorrow. Which kinda sucks for me, as my leg is still not 100% better. And I would like for my leg to be pretty much better. Hopefully I can get more sessions??? That would be nice, but it's not likely. NRMA are faggs. They do sweet fuck all. Here's hoping they pay for my pilates lessons. As that can help my leg get better.

Do not intend of having a lifetime of painkillers and shots of anesthesia in my hip.

Might start swimming again next week if tomorrow is my last day of physio. Heated pools = win.

screw you

tonsils!!!

someone take them out, please.

I think I ruin everything good that happens. I push people away when I need them the most. I don't take much needed advice. I end up failing at everything. The people that do appear to listen and care, I somehow push them away, and in the end, they no longer want to talk to me. I don't know how to say sorry.

I wish I could go back 18months, and re-do everything.

I would have listened more. I would have taken the advice I needed. I would not have failed. I would still be talking to those people.

There would be no regrets, as there are so many regrets from last year.

I feel a little invisible again.

As usual, I'll re-appear when I'm ready.

sunshowers

I was set on going for a run today, but have stayed inside all day due to crappy weather. It's been raining on and off all day, and you can't run in the rain. You might get wet, or even more worse, slip over. Knowing me, if I were to slip over, I will do serious injury, and I'm having enough troubles with my kidney, and don't want to add weather inflicted sports injury to the equation of all my current medical woes.

I was just thinking, 'awesome, the rain has has, the sun is shining', till I looked out the door and it was only a sunshower. It was pretty, till just then, when the sun went away, and the rain started pouring down again.

I will have to go for my run on Wednesday, when I get home from Sydney after seeing a urologist (which I'm really not looking forward to).

Two Hundred Sit Ups Challenge

I started this last night.

According to the site, I will be able to complete 200 consecutive sit ups in six weeks.

I completed Day 1, Week 1 last night. 6 Weeks and 2 days, and I will be powering through 200 sit ups when ever I feel the need.

Easter Sunday

Easter. The day of chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate. Unlike nearly every other girl, I'm not the hugest fan of chocolate, so I'm not really the hugest fan of Easter. But the long weekends can be good, so I don't complain.

My Easter was pretty good. I went out for dinner Friday night, had a few drinks. Was a good night. Saturday was very relaxed. Chilled out around the house. Realised I didn't have the main ingredient for the muffins I was planning on making on Sunday, so walked to Woonona shops to buy a few things, then came home, and chilled out some more. Sunday I went to my mums and made muffins. Or mini carrot cakes. Whatever you call them, they tasted great!

Muffin batter. Doesn't look very enticing here, but it tasted good (I always have a try of the batter before it gets cooked.)

The muffins are cooked to perfection!

All iced and ready to eat.

The Easter Bunny also visited me a few times.

moving day part 2

All my furniture has now been moved, and I spent the first night in my new house. No monsters, so I will happily be sleeping here again tonight.

Now comes the fun part, finding a place to put everything. Since I'm busy today, I will do all of that tomorrow.

moving day part 1

All my dresses and jeans, shoes, make up, hair accessories, books and CDs and DVDs are gone. Basically everything that is not furniture is gone. (Except for some food, and kitchenware, and toiletries.)

I'll move everything else tomorrow.

the worst thing about renal ultrasounds

Is you constantly have to hold your breath. 

But the gel was warm today. Which was a bonus, considering the colder weather is starting to become more evident.

I'm moving to Woonona

I'm actually looking forward to it, as the house is AMAZING!!!

I'm going to be living with one of my mums friends, and two of her kids (her other kids live elsewhere.) My new bedroom is awesome, it has a little balcony, and a built in wardrobe. The bathroom is massive and has a spa. There is multiple toilets, so I will never be waiting to go wee. The kitchen is big, which is good. I like big kitchens. Maybe I could learn to bake pumpkin scones. Bus stops are pretty close, which is a bonus. And the view is pretty sweet. You can see the ocean. 

I'm not going to miss this place one bit. I will miss free buses, and being able to walk to my mums. 

Rockcakes

omnomnomnom

So yummy and so easy to make!!! Deffinatly want to make them again.

I started work experience today. I've previously done work experience, when I was 15 and in high school, and it was in hospitality, so a week in the kitchen of a cafe. But now I'm doing work experience again. 2 weeks in a recording studio. I want more skills in life, and this is giving me some skills I want. And it's getting me out of the house for two weeks.

Speaking of the house, there is a new occupant. I don't know her, but I don't really like her already. When I first got home today, she walked out, said something (I'm not even sure if it was in english) and then walked back into her room. When I was sitting in the loungeroom with Ally, watching tv and eating dinner, she walked out of the bathroom and waved. I don't even know her name. Weird as, if you ask me. Every single share house I've lived in, I've known everyones name. Now I don't. I kind of feel like a stranger in my own house. Which does not sit well with me at all.

no more medications

I got taken off my meds on Tuesday. My kidney functions were worrying my psychiatrist, so she has taken me off my medications for three weeks till I see her next. In the meantime, I have to do a urine sample, to see if there is anything wrong with my kidneys thats causing the abnormal functions that are showing up on my blood tests. I haven't not had medication since I was 12. I don't really know what to think. I'm a little scared. I think I will just stay in my room as much as I can, and try not to socialise. I don't know. I guess I'm finding it a little overwhelming.
I also have to fill out a sleep diary for two weeks, and to wear an actigraph, which is a watch like device that records movement, my sleeping patterns and the amount of activity I do during the day. Today is going to be boring. I felt really sick last night, so I'm not really doing much today. Just laying in bed. Tomorrow will be more exciting. Then I plan to spend the weekend at my mums.

no passenger

no parasite

i'm losing all my energy

at least i can still cook

sometimes i think i am invisible

but i will re-appear when i'm good and ready

he's just not that into you

My day was okay. I turn off my alarm at 9am, and woke up again just before 10am. Got up and got dressed and went out to have breakfast, make some lunch and organise my bag for the day. My bag was gone from the table, which wasn't good, but soon found it, as someone who doesn't live here had moved it without my permission (wasn't really impressed by that action). Moved bag back to table, ate breakfast, did hair and make-up and still made it in time for the 10.37am bus.

Sat on the bus for an hour, and finally made it to Shellharbour Square. I went into Angus and Robertson and applied for a job. Got to speak to the manager, he was nice enough. I hoped he thought I was nice enough for an interview, as an interview means I'm one step closer to a job, which would be great. I need a job, as I just got an email from Myer yesterday saying I didn't get the job I went into the interview for. And even worse is, I can't apply for another position at Myer for another six months.

I think I found a nice pair of flat mary janes. I didn't buy them, as I often think about if I really want to buy something, but I did purchase a cutlery set from Target. It was just too cute to say no to. All the handles are baby pink with white spots. And they will last a few years, so it was a good investment ($25 can be an investment when your unemployed and living out of home).

I went to Greater Union and saw He's Just Not That Into You. I really like that cinema, much more leg room, and the seats are more comfy. And I quite enjoyed the movie.

I bought my first chopping board.

I know it's not much, but it feels like alot for me. Just buying homely/kitchen things is making me feel a whole lot more grown up.

First saucepans and fry pans, knives, cooking utensils.

Nineteen February, Two Thousand & Nine

I turned 22. It was a good day. Only I burnt my thumb on the toaster, which was not very pleasant. But I did wake up to see this sleeping under the porch.

I call her Shleepy, as everytime I see her, she is sleeping in the garden, on the bark.

I got a free Boost Juice, because it was my birthday.

I love free things. I love birthdays.

I went over to my mums for dinner. We got some Red Rooster, as she was feeling sick and didn't feel up to going out for dinner as planned. I got the tropicana pack. I love a good battered pinapple. So not good for you, but they taste so great.

My mum took me out for lunch on Friday. It was so good. We went to Centro, at the Italian Centre. It used to be my favourite restaurant as a kid, but it has since been renovated, and is all classy and posh looking, but still great (I secretly miss the old 80's interior). The food was great, and I got a free Corona from the waiter. 

I went out on the town that night with Mel and Ally. It was good night. I havent been out like that in ages, and I miss it, and want to do it more often. We started out at Unibar, where we had some shots.

I then took a self-portrait

We got fascinated by many things on the walk to North Gong

We made it to North Gong, where I drank. I like to drink

We sat in a gutter and ate some food

We met up with Mels boyfriend and went to the Illawarra

We thought this guy was cute

I like to keep hydrated, and show off some underwear at the same time.

This is Mel. We have known each other since we were 4. I hope we are still friends when we are 94

Job Interview

I think it went well. I hope it went well. I find out in 7-14days.

My day started out crap. I slept through my alarm. Lucky the rain woke me up. I was thinking it was too light to be before 7am, so I check the time... it was 8.10am! Fuck! I managed to get dressed, do my hair and make-up and eat breakfast in 20mins. Disco! 

I love these shoes. So cute. I get so many compliments for them.

My mum was nice enough to drive me to the station, and I ended up missing the train, but there was a bus going to Waterfall in 10mins, so it was all okay. And I still got to Bondi Junction at 11am, which was part of my plan.

I wandered around Westfield searching for Myer, and then I found it, and was early, so went in search for a hot chocolate, and then browsed Miss Shop. Decided to go up 20mins early, and I wasn't the first person there, so all was good.

The interview was okay. Standard group interview process. Introduce yourself to everyone else, say what store you prefer to work in, and an interesting fact about yourself. Fill out some forms. Get i.d. checked. Activity time. The End. Enquire about the chance of getting a position at Wollongong Myer. Little chance. Bummer. So if I get a job, I will be travelling on a train for about 4hrs each work day, but I won't complain (or complain too much), as a job is a job, and I need and want a job.

I went shopping after the interview, in Myer. Wow, the change-rooms in Bondi Myer are amazing! The cubicles are HUGE, and there is a tv playing a music channel, and there were testers of the Harajuku perfumes (all empty). I bought a cute new dress, red tartan button up t-shirt dress. I'm wearing it out for dinner tomorrow night for my birthday. After Myer, I went in search of the food court, thinking I would be inundated by choices. Alas, I was highly mistaken. For such a large shopping centre, the food court was tiny. But the food was good.

I then continued browsing in shops around Bondi Westfield, insearch for a cute pair of mary janes, that are a decent price. I found a few pairs, but didn't try any on. Maybe next time.

I have shit friends, but I made butterfly cakes

As said, my friends can be shitty. It pisses me off. One of my friends is going overseas for 6 months, maybe more, so I thought I would do something nice, and invite her over and bake her cupcakes, with two of other friends (at her request. One of the friends being my housemate). I made the cupcakes. They turned out great. I was ignored the entire night. Forget the fact that I organized this night a week or so ago, I was left out of everything. Mary and Ally made dinner. I was invited, I didn't get any. I had no say. Mary and Ally watched tv all night. Mel couldn't come over because of work, fair enough. I was ignored for television shows that had to be watched. Ally couldn't miss out on her tv shows, and she can't possibly watch them on the internet coz she doesn't know how, and won't accept my offering of my giving her sites to watch the show on.

I didn't barely got a word in with either of them. It's fucked. I hate it. Last time I do something nice for either of them again.  I didn't even get thanked for the cupcakes. I think it's downright rude.

My butterfly cakes tasted good, but next time I'll use a different cream.

Long Time, No See

I moved back to Wollongong about 5 weeks ago. There has been no internet connected... till yesterday. Saying that, the landlords are extremely slack, but the wife is slowly picking up on the game. I still hate the house, though. I think it is awful, and overpriced. For the size of the house, and where its located, and the lack of anything remotely new, I should be paying, at least, $40 less in rent a week. Or something like that. I want to move out. First, I need a job, and someone to live with. Then I can think about other things, such as furniture. Apparently I need to think about them now, according my friend, Ally, who I currently live with. If I were moving within the next few weeks (which I would love to, but I'm not), then I would be thinking about furniture. But I'm not, as I told her I have more important things to think about. 

I have a job interview on Wednesday for Myer. The interview is in Bondi, but I've applied for the Wollongong store, and I really want this job. The sooner I get a job, the sooner I get more money, the sooner I can move out (after I find someone to live with. Or I may just live by myself, I've been thinking about that option.)

It's my birthday on Thursday. I have no idea what I'm doing. I know I'm going into town and getting my free boost juice, and take some clothes to the Salvation Army, and take some books and cd's to the store that takes them. I might even put a dress on laybuy. Apart from that, I don't know what I'm doing. I'll probably talk to my mum about it tomorrow when I go visit her.

Speaking of birthdays, it was my cats 10th birthday last Tuesday. She got a slice of cake, some cat grass, and a new kitty litter box. She enjoyed her cake.