My feelings toward Christmas has changed

It generally does.

I'm slowly starting to love Christmas this year!

I'm guessing after yesterdays Christmas dinner at Susan's house, with her savoury pudding. I can't remember the last time I had her savoury pudding, but its been way too long. (I even had some leftovers for breakfast before work.)

I also got my first Christmas present of the year! (A bag Jelly Belly jelly beans, and three lipglosses in little cupcake containers. Cute as a button!)

Also got to look quite a few houses covered in Christmas lights on the way home, which is always nice.

I've nearly finished my Christmas shopping. Just have to go to the bottle shop and get mum some Hibiscus flowers to put wine, and either a bottle of Limoncello or a bottle of champagne.

Also bought my cat a present today after work (because my cat gets a present every Christmas, and even gets a birthday present/birthday cake on her birthday.) David Jones have Christmas bon bons for cats and dogs, so of course Meggie got the cat one. It had a little cat-nip filled mouse in the bon bon, which probably won't get played with, but it was just too cute to say no to. And I really enjoy using my DJs staff discount card.

6 more days till Christmas!!!

busy days, fun days, full days

It's nearly Christmas. I have a total love/hate relationship with Christmas.

Im not sure how I feel about it this year.

My christmas tree looks so sad. At least the christmas lights on my balcony look pretty.

busy week

5th December - painting and knitting

6th December - painting, gym, pole

7th December - Newtown, possibly trivia back in Wollongong

8th December - gym, Emily's 18th

9th December - Heavy Heavy Low Low/Totally Unicorn

10th December - sleep, gym

11th December - Lincoln's 1st birthday/naming ceremony, Santa pub crawl

12th December - work

I would also like to fit in some yoga and swimming somewhere in between all of that.

rain rain

stay away

its summer time

its beach time

time to get tanned and burnt

skin cells in trauma

tracking sand every where

bikinis and coconut oil

sandals and dresses

sun, sand and surf

swimming; in the pool and at the beach

i love this time of the year

Winner!!!

One of my favourite food blogs, http://www.notquitenigella.com/, often has competitions, which I enter on a regular basis. I enter alot of competitions on a regular basis.

Point of this blog is, I Won!!!

I found a mail package sitting at my door on Melbourne Cup day, as I was leaving to go meet friends for sushi. I went back inside and hurriedly opened my mail package, to find this bag of granuesli sitting inside. I texted Em to let her know I was going to be late, and I excitedly tried my granuesli, even though I had already eaten breakfast. This stuff is gorgeous!!!

I would like to thank NQN and The Unexpected Guest for letting me win this prize. My summer is going to be delicious!!!

stolen

I saw this on another bloggers blog. It looked fun, and Im not ready to get out of bed and completely start my day yet (even though it is 10.55 am. It's Sunday, Im aloud to stay in bed all day if I want to.)

A
- Available: yes
- Age: 23
- Annoyance: males, my eating habits, centrelink, ignorance, not being able to get comfy
- Animals: i adore my fat little cat. would love to own a sausage dog

- Addictive personality: definitely

B
- Beer: I don't really like beer, but I will, on occasion, drink a Corona or two
- Birthday: 19/02/1987
- Body part on the person your attracted too: Im not really attracted to anyone right now...

- Best feeling in the world: complete happiness and content
- Believe in Santa: no. yes. no. yes. no. I still get presents saying they are from Santa, and I always make mum put my presents our after I've gone to sleep.

C
- Colour: pink and purple

- Cannabis: halloween
- Continent to visit: Europe.

D
- Day or Night: Night
- Dancing in the rain: once when I was drunk
- Drinking?: on occasion

E
- Eyes: Blue/Green
- Everyone's got: hopes, dreams, wishes. desires. secrets. failures.
- Ever failed a class: ancient history

F
- First thoughts waking up: I hope the sun is out
- Food: I'd rather not.

G
- Greatest Fear: rejection. failure. sickness. death.
- Gum: Peach. Every day
- Get along with your parents? right now, yes. And I'm praying to god that it stays this way (or gets even better.)

H
- Hair Color: red, apparently
- Height: 164 cm
- Happy: I try my hardest
- Holiday: I just started a new job a fortnight ago. But fingers crossed I can make it to Adelaide in January/February 2011

I
- Ice Cream: Lets not go there

J
- Jewellery: necklaces and big, chunky rings
- Job: Christmas Casual at David Jones

K
- Kids: no thanks
- Kickboxing or karate: no thanks
- Keep a journal: I try to update my blog as much as possible

L
- Love: I love my cat, Im pretty sure
- Letter: I like receiving letters in the mail. I miss the days of having a pen pal or two.
- Laughed so hard you cried: many times. it's an amazing feeling.

M
- Movies: I love them. I have quite a large collection of movies, that is always growing.
- Maccy D's or Burger King: both are disgusting, and leave an awful taste and feeling in my mouth. not to mention the fact neither caters for vegetarians. I do, however, enjoy a hot chocolate or chai latte (on skim) from McCafe. And I do enjoy MacDonalds sundaes and McFlurries.
 

N
- Number: 3

- Name: Sophie

O
- One wish: 5 more wishes
- Perfect Pizza: Vegetarian from Julios. or mushroom and capsicum from Napoli
- Pepsi/Coke: diet coke. coke zero. diet vanilla coke. cherry coke. pepsi max.

Q
- Quail: I only eat animals that live in the ocean. 

R
- Reason to cry: life sucks. movies. books.
- Reality T.V.: The Amazing Race
- Radio Station: JJJ. or whatever mum is listening to in the car when I go driving with her.
- Roll your tongue in a circle: yes I can
- Ring size: small
 

S
- Song: I Hate Hartley by The Amity Affliction
- Shoe size: 5, 6 or 7. Depending on the brand.
- Salad Dressing: Balsamic Vinegar
- Sushi: Tempura Prawn
- Skinny dipped?: a few times.
- In the shower: I think too much. I cry too much.
- Strawberries/Blueberries: both

T
- Time for bed: when Im tired, and falling asleep on the lounge watching TV
- Thunderstorms: still scare me
- Best time of day?: sun rise or sun set

U
- Unpredictable: my emotions. my moods.

V
- Variables: my emotions. my likes and dislikes

W
- Weakness: niceness, humour, a sense of direction, a sense of adventure
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: I really don't know. But I have known Rachel the longest. 
- Who makes you laugh the most: All of them.
- Worst feeling: rejection. 
- Worst Weather : wind and rain. extreme cold

X
- X-Rays: I've had way too many

Y
- Year it is now: 2010

Z
- Zoo animal: meerkat

Halloween

I know it's traditionally an American thing, but I love Halloween. I also love costume parties. I love to dress up and not be myself, even if it is only for a few hours.

As per the last Halloween  I celebrated, I dressed as a black cat. I have black cat ears, and a cat nose/whiskers mask that I made myself a few years ago. I love dressing as a cat. Because I love cats. If I could be any animal, a cat is in my top 5 choices.

So this year I went to a Halloween party at Sophie's place (Sophie was also a cat - two Sophies, two cats. Awesome!) It was pretty good. Good people, good food, good place - and that is what makes a good party.

I was going to make this a longer post, but I am unbelievably tired right now, and I think I might have a quick lay down before my doctor's appointment.

just some photos

Hi, my name is Sophie and I am addicted to nail polish. 

I'm not sure how many nail polishes I own, and how many more I want to own, but it's a lot. I'm always lusting after new colours. Or even just a new bottle of nail polish, to vamp up an old outfit. I've decided to turn my nail polish habit into something constructive, by buying nail polish that supports causes, such as O.P.I's nail polish for breast cancer. I have a few family members who have had breast cancer, and so many women get breast cancer each year (and die from it), so this is a really good cause (and the colour looks amazing on, all shimmery and baby pink. Love it!) 

I also bought The Cassette Society/Sportsgirl nail polish where a % of the cost went towards The Butterfly Foundation. This is actually close to heart, as I myself am currently in the throes of an eating disorder, so I will happily support this cause more than once, and any money going towards The Butterfly Foundation will help so many, as it is devastating and awful living with this, not just myself, but also for my mum.

I often go to Sydney, and since I can't drive, train is my option. Its a 90 minute train ride from Wollongong to Sydney, so I always need entertainment, whether it be magazine or book, and always my iPod. (And a very vanilla chiller.)
Feet on seats! I know you're not supposed to, but I sometimes do it, only when the train is empty. Never on a peak hour train. It really irks me when people take up so many seats on peak hour trains. Down with seat hogs!!! Also wanted to show off my fluro pedi. It gave me something nice to look at, and kept my spirits up when I was in hospital for three weeks last month.

Day 30

Whatever Tickles My Fancy

Thats it. 30 days of blog (finished in waaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy more then 30 days, but I'm not caring about that).

I hate hospital. They should just have a bed in there. With my name on it. Always reserved for me. Im in there that often. Just last month I was in hospital for just under three weeks. A week later Im back in hospital. It was rather gross this time. I spent two days throwing up, it was awful. Monday and Tuesday. Spewday and Spewday. 

I had to get the Radio Doctor to come give me a shot of stemitil (anti-nausea medication). Not that it helped, as I was still throwing up for the rest of the night whenever I woke up. Then it kept happening Tuesday, so I went to see my GP. I couldn't even open my eyes as the light hurt. My neck was painful. The GP I saw thought I had a bleed in my brain, so she called them ambulance to take me to hospital, and then the ambulance saw a rash on my chest. I got to hospital and was given a drip and some oxygen mask that was loud and annoying and heavy, and bloods got done and the Doctor sounded (and kinda looked like) Shaun of the Dead. If I wasn't so sick it would have been so much better.

The doctor kinda thought I had meningitis and wanted to do a lumbar puncture and I had a mass panic attack and wouldn't let them do it. And my bloods came back with massively abnormal, through the roof liver functions. So I had to get this medication in my drip that made throw up some more to clear up my liver. So I spent the night sleeping in A&E and trying not to freak out about getting a lumbar puncture the next day. 

In the morning when I woke up, I felt pretty fantastic. Not spewy, my headache was gone, and omg the student doctors. A whole bunch of babes!!! I had a good perve.

Then the Gastro team came to see me, and it was the Gastroenterologist who did my gastroscopy before I got discharged from hospital the last week. Which was kinda crazy, but he is a nice doctor. 

I then got moved to a ward later in the day (after having a nurse called Sophie do my obs down in A&E. What an awesome name!) So I spent Wednesday in a ward full of old people, in a room full of old ladies. My god, old people fart so much. It was a pretty depressing ward, all old and only two bathrooms. Ew. The TV was good. I watched some awesome fishing show on Discovery channel, and watched alot of the Nickelodeon channel.

I then got moved to the ward where my mum used to work the next day. After getting my daily blood test done by a pretty cute venupuncturist. He was a babe. I had a good perve. But going to the ward where my mama used to work was good. I knew half of the staff, and it's a really nice ward, and each room has its own bathroom and two toilets, so I never had to wait for the toilet, which was good. Still a ward full of old people and in a room full of old, farting and burping ladies, but I didn't mind it too bad. The daily blood tests were kinda annoying, except when the cute guy came.

When I got admitted to hospital, I was freaking out about missing one of my best friends birthdays again (I was sick last year and couldn't go.) My doctor was pretty awesome and gave me gate leave, and the nursing staff said I could come back at 10 pm. So on Saturday afternoon, I went home and got ready and went out for dinner for Rachel's birthday. It was a good dinner, even though I couldn't drink. We then went to The Grand to play some pool, and I bought a diet coke, and gave the bar girl $10. She then gave me $17 of whatever change. I was pretty stoked with that. I then had to call my mum at 9.30 pm to come pick me up, so I could be back at the hospital for 10 pm, or else my bed would be given away.

I then got to leave hospital on Monday, as my liver functions had improved, but they still aren't perfect. So no one really knows what caused it, but it may have been a medication I was on. But I now know that liver infections are not fun.

I have to get weekly blood tests, and then monthly blood tests, just to make sure my liver is in tact and working condition, with my first weekly blood test being this Monday. Gah.

After leaving hospital, I called David Jones on Tuesday to find out when my first shifts would be. I got a call back about an hour or so later, asking if I could come in and work that afternoon. So I started work on Tuesday, and worked again yesterday. Bought some new stockings and shirts for work on Tuesday. So I'm pretty stoked about that.

Still freaking out about my liver, but I'm hoping it will be all good. Not aloud alcohol for a month, so I think I will have a big night out in a month's time, to celebrate my return to alcohol.

Day 29

Hopes, Dreams, Plans for the next 365 days

I have training for David Jones tomorrow, so I would like to still be working at David Jones this time next year. I would like to have saved up enough money to at least go on one Contiki tour, or to go to the Harry Potter Theme Park. 

I want to go to Adelaide again. See my family. See the sights. Go to the museum. Go to the art gallery. Take lots of photos. Go to the zoo. Be happy.

I want to travel Australia. Not everywhere, just mainly to Byron Bay, Melbourne and Queensland. 

I want to get happy, and stay happy.

I want to enjoy life more then I enjoy it now (I'm slowly getting there).

I want me and mum to stay happy together, to not fight, to not have raging arguments, to talk more. I want to keep feeling loved by mum.

I want to have amazing times with friends. I want summer to be awesome. I want autumn to be awesome. I want winter to be awesome. 

I don't want to hibernate all winter. I want to go out and enjoy life, like I do in the summer. 

I want to still be dancing. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to live.

Day 28

This Year, In Great Detail

The year started out fantastic. I spent the new year with great friends, drinking too much vodka, watching fireworks and lots of dancing. I then spent the summer partying too much, dancing a lot, and going out every weekend. I also started pole dancing. Summer was amazing.

Autumn. I don't like Autumn. I kept partying. I kept dancing. Then I got a disc bulge and my life went downhill. I was in emergency at the local hospital 3 times in one month (twice in an ambulance, as I couldn't walk). Many painkillers were taken. Way too many. Just when my back was getting better, Winter came along, and so did a kidney infection and my appetite went out the door. For 7 weeks. 

Winter. I couldn't eat for 7 weeks. I lost weight, my self confidence, and none of my clothes fit me. I didn't go out. I felt like I had lost everything (including friends). This, aswell as the disc bulge, slowly bought my depression back. Me and mum were arguing more again. I was not a happy camper.

It's now spring. I thought things were looking up, but I couldn't eat properly. I hate(d) myself. I didn't enjoy life. I didn't enjoy much. I tried to act like I did, but on the inside I didn't. It is such an awful feeling. To wake up and not want to do everything. Everything is such an effort. Crying comes naturally, and even that is effort. Goodbye motivation.

I ended up in hospital. Today I have been in hospital for two weeks, but I get leave (currently on leave now as I write this blog). I'm hoping I'm out soon, as I'm over hospital. 

It's such a nice day out now, I think I'm going to go for a walk down by the beach. And to enjoy some fresh air, and to relish the fact that I'm not surrounded by four walls.

Day 27

September, In Great Detail

It's had it's ups, and it's definitely had it's downs. Not going to go into great detail, but I'm currently in hospital. This is a down. One of the many downs that has happened in September. Not too sure how long I'm going to be in hospital, but at least they give me leave, so I'm not constantly surrounded by 4 walls, and can get out and see some sunshine and get some fresh air.

Day 26

My Week In Great Detail

Sunday - I really don't think I did much. I remember going to Woolies to buy some food, had a coffee/hot chocolate with mum and read the Sunday papers. Was a pretty chilled out day.

Monday - I went into town and applied for multiple jobs. I then had a physio appointment. I got some strap thing which I wear around my hips, to keep my hip joints all stable and align, or something like that. The strap thing is kinda annoying.

Tuesday - I went to Newtown in the morning. Early in the morning. As in get up at 6 am to get ready and catch the 7.03 am train to the city. Then the bus to Newtown. Then I had the most amazing breakfast at Luxe. Organic poached eggs with baked mushrooms on sourdough toast and a chai latte on skim. Best paoched eggs I have had. I then had an appointment with my pyshciatrist at BMRI in Camperdown. After my appointment, I went into Monster Threads and got a card with owls on it. I then went to T2, where I spent too much money. I got my mum a box of Earl Grey for her birthday. I got myself these:

I've been after a really cute travel mug for aaaaaaaaaaaaaages, as Im always drinking tea, usually before an appointment, so Im always trying to drink my tea in the cup straight from the mug. It is not a fun feat. I found this glitter travel mug in T2 in Newtown, so I had to get it. Also got the Gorgeous Geisha tea bags, after reading on the Vogue forums that its a tasty tea, so Im keen to try it. Am still yet to actually make myself some... I will get around to it!!!  And  I also sampled some Chai. I love going into T2 in summer, when they have all the iced teas to try. So delish! I then caught the bus back to Central, and the train back to North Wollongong, as I had another specialists appointment in Figtree. I was catching a train that was supposed to get me back to North Wollongong at 2.17 pm. Because of some fault or another, I didn't get back to North Wollongong till 3 pm. I was pretty off it. But I made it to my other specialists appointment in time, which was at 3.15 pm. And omg, I needed to pee so bad by then. 

Anyway, my appointment went as I kinda expected it to go - my doctor still doesn't know whats causing my kidney pain. My kidney stones are getting bigger. I have to get a CT Scan done and go back and see the urologist, and I'll most likely need to the stones taken out in one way or another. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need at least one of these surgeries every year. It's getting a little repetitive, and I'm not enjoying it. Would like new kidneys, please.

Mum then took me to Woolies, where I bought the ingredients to make my first soup!!! And it was a success. I made a minestrone, the recipe from a Frankie magazine which I adapted - I added in a whole lot more vegies, and some beans, and garlic and chili.

Also added some pesto on top, which is what that green blob is.

Wednesday - It was my mum's birthday. It was a pretty chilled out day, I gave mum her presents and she liked them (a new cookbook, the Early Gray tea, a honey pop, the new Phillipa Gregory book, and a book of gift vouchers I made). We just chilled out most of the day, I bought her a coffee, and we had chinese for dinner. I had chili prawns, so yum! I love prawns.

Thursday - I went back to Sydney. On the 7.03 am train. I hate this train. Only because I have to get up so early, and get my mum to drive my to the station before 7 am. I think it's too early of a time to be out of the house. But I get to Sydney, where I walk up Pitt Street, looking for a cafe to have breakfast before a job interview. Every food place I pass is sushi, or a pub. Not keen on pubs for breakfast (unless if it's in Byron Bay), and as much as a dig sushi, I don't want it for breakfast. I finally find a cafe, and I get some more poached eggs on toast, with grilled mushrooms, and a chair latte on skim. I'm a girl of habit. The eggs definitely weren't as good as the eggs I had on Tuesday, but the chai was amazing. After breakfast, I then go to the job interview. I didn't get the job. I go back to Central via Gloria Jeans for some caffiene, as Im tired as. I then get the train back to Wollongong, really needing to pee. This was not a good idea. Luckily I got off at Wollongong station right near the toilets.

I then rushed into town and got some fruit salad and yogurt from Nosh for lunch. I love this fruit salad, as I find most fruit salad has orange in it, and Im allergic to orange, so I can't eat it. So I dig Nosh for not adding orange to their fruit salad. I then had an appointment with my mum, which went okay. As usual. 

Had leftover soup for dinner.

Friday - not a good day. Not a good day at all. I went into town for a bit to apply for some jobs. I came home. Was all heaps down about everything and had a good cry. Then had a shower, as showers usually make everything better. I then got a message from Rose, asking me to go into town with her and Letisha, so that definitely made me feel a little better. Got ready to into town, and had a pre-drink and met Rose and Letisha at The Brewery. Got a Long Island Iced Tea. One of my favourite drinks. We then decided it was time to go the Illawarra, where we just chilled out, and talked and drank lots of vodka. We then had a dance, and to cut a long story short, some people are shit and just want to start things, and Letisha got kicked out, as some girl started shit with her, and then got Letisha kicked out, saying Letisha started it all. So we went to Hostage. Which I thought was shit. There was no one there. Letisha went home. Me and Rose went home.

Saturday - Had another job interview. Omg, I was so tired, but I stayed awake, and rushed to get coffee after the interview, when I felt alot better. I got home, and changed into a summer dress, as the sun was out, and the weather was nice. I did some washing and cleaned my desk off a little. Me and mum walked down to North Beach, where we went to North Kiosk for lunch. I got a chai latte and bircher muesli with stewed fruits. The stewed fruit was absolutely gorgeous. Oh man, I want some more now!!! Then we walked back home, where I read the paper, got a call from Rach asking me to the tennis club. I got changed, and got a lift from my mum to the tennis club. Me and Rach just sat around talking all afternoon, we had a drink, and then we decided to have dinner there. I got a fish cake - which was massive!!! - with Asian salad and chips. It was a good meal. So filling and yum yum yum. (I wish my mum could make her fish cakes like that!!!) After dinner had settled, me and Rach walked back to my house, where I got ready to go out, then went to Rachels house to drink Cosmos. (Maybe a few too many Cosmos). After Kim got home from work, we all went to the Harp, where we drank some more, danced a bit, and just sat around talking and drinking (and everyone else smoked. I didn't smoke.) We then went to Hostage, but I ended up talking to some guy and all my friends went in without me, and I had no money to get in (oh, the joys of being unemployed), so I walked home.

Sunday - oh hangover. I think I got up at about 12.30 pm or so, and had a shower. I don't feel better. But Im going out for dinner tonight, so Im looking forward to that. I just hope this headache shifts a little before I go out.

Day 25

My Day, In Great Detail

This is going to be really boring. Even though it is 2.50 pm, my day has been boring, I'm still in my pajamas, I haven't left the house. I intend on leaving the house in an hour or so, for an hour or so. I am a boring person. (I need to change this)

I got woken up, 3 times, by wisdom tooth pain. It is awful. I hate this pain. Speaking of wisdom tooth pain, I'm going to take more panadol now, as the pain has come back.

After taking all my medications, I got up out of bed, went to the toilet, then did some yoga. It was a bit of a fail, as I only got through two different moves, as Im still a little achey from pole dancing last night. (I've lost some of my pole mojo - Im not impressed. Currently trying to decide if I should move up a level, or repeat beginners again...). After yoga, I had a mug of Dilmah Rose with French Vanilla tea, with a teaspoon of honey and a dash of skim milk. I sat down with my tea, watched some TV and did some knitting. I then did the dishes, and cleaned a section of the kitchen bench. I then had a bread roll for lunch, with vegemite and a triangle of Laughing Cow cheese. 

After lunch, I've been in my room, doing some art, listening to music, talking to my mum and cat. This will be the rest of my afternoon. Boring. Doing nothing. I do have plans to go down to the beach and get a chai latte and sit in the sun, if the breeze isn't too cold. I will knit some more. I will watch some movies. I am a boring person.

Day 24

Whatever Tickles My Fancy

It's finally spring. I am amazed. Bring on warmer weather and longer days. 

I love spring. It's my favourite season. If the year could just have one season, I'd want it to be spring. It's a good mix of not too hot and not too cold.

The first day of spring was great. My family from Adelaide have been visiting, so they came and visited me and mum. Im pretty sure we can all say we had a good day, a good feed (I can eat!!! not completely normally, but it's slowly getting there.), good company, good wine and a good catch up. I wish it could happen more often, as I do enjoy the company with the part of my family, but a fair few hours lay between us. But I can say I'm going to Adelaide at the end of October, and I'm highly looking forward to it! To see my family again, to have a holiday, to travel, to get away from Wollongong, to have a break from my mum. (As much as I love her, it can get tough living in a tiny two bedroom apartment all the time, and the break is always well needed and thoroughly enjoyed by myself and my mum.)

Day 23

A Youtube Video

I have not been on youtube for quite a long time. Im not sure why. But when I do go on youtube, I like to look at videos of cats and kittens. Thats maybe why I haven't been on for a while - as I've already got a cat, I can't get another one, and watching the videos of cats and kittens makes me want to get a new kitten.

Day 22

A Website

Im not sure if this is going to be obvious, but Im going to put www.facebook.com - I visit this website quite often. Also, www.twitter.com - only as I have these websites with unlimited access on my phone. Makes waiting for buses a lot less boring.

And do like blogs. Good blogs. Interesting blogs. Food blogs.

Day 21

A Recipe

I haven't cooked a proper meal for months. And I mean months. I love cooking. I miss cooking. I actually cried watching Masterchef earlier this year, watching everyone cook, and knowing I couldn't currently cook. It actually hurt.

Last night I cooked some pasta with peas, corn and a jar of baby food (shut up, I'm on a pretty restricted diet, and my stomach can't handle most foods - baby food is do-able right now.)

I've been making a lot of smoothies for breakfast - when I can actually eat breakfast.

Breakfast Smoothie Recipes:

-Banana, LSA, vanilla ice cream or Jalna vanilla yogurt, frozen mixed berries and cinnamon.

-As above, but replace mixed berries with fresh passionfruit

-As first recipe, but replace mixed berries with cherries, frozen or fresh

I love smoothies. I love living near north beach, as North Kiosk is there, and omg, their smoothies and frappes are amazing!!! So is their chai lattes. And bircher muesli. 

Day 20

A Hobby Of Mine

I love hobbies. I have lots of hobbies. Some of these hobbies can be turned into talents, I guess...

-pole dancing; I started pole in January this year, and it is amazing. I love it so much. I had to give it up for three months when I hurt my back, which sucked, but Im back at it and it feels great.
-knitting; I used to knit all my barbie dolls blankets when I was younger, then completely gave up knitting till this year, and now I love it and knit every day.
-reading; I feel weird if Im not currently reading a book. I've been reading for so long, and was in the top 10% of readers in the state when I was in primary school, which was fun. I got to go to these workshops and help professionals develop a program to help kids who couldn't read as well.
-baking; I love baking for friends and family, and am constantly getting new recipes and lusting after cookbooks and reading food blogs.
-art and photography; I love painting, and taking photos. I also like to draw, but to be honest, I am a crap drawer, so I don't do it often, and when I do, I generally don't show people.

Day 19

A Talent Of Mine

I'm really not sure if I have any talents. This is a little sad :(

I can roll my tongue and flex my toes. I've been told that not everyone can flex their toes apart.

My fingers are also really flexible. Not so much of a talent, more of a weird thing that my fingers can do. They bend in all which directions, pretty much. 

I need to find a talent!!!

Day 18

Whatever Tickles My Fancy

So I've got a form of anorexia, and it sucks. Don't tell me I'm stupid, or I'm looking for attention by depriving myself of food. I'm not doing this on purpose, or because I think I'm fat. Because I'm not. I look at people eating and I get jealous. Green with envy. I've gotten anorexia because I literally could not eat for 7 weeks. The sight of food made me nauseas. The smell of food made me nauseas. Whenever mum cooked dinner, I would retch from the smell of it. I hated it. It was awful.

None of my clothes fit me like they used to. I've lost most of my confidence. I've lost most of my self esteem. I don't want to go out. I feel the cold down to my bones.

It's not stupid. I'm not being stupid. I'm just being sick. Kidney infections suck. They do some awful things to the body - such as making you lose your appetite for 7 weeks and not be able to eat.

I'm slowly eating again. Lots of bland foods, noodles and pasta and rice, cheese, baby food, banana smoothies, tofu. Most times when I eat, I get awful stomach pain. I've got acid reflux something awful, and can taste vomit/stomach acid in the back of my throat. It is awful. I seriously don't know why people put themselves through anorexia. If you think you're fat, there are much better ways to lose weight than to deprive yourself of food. I know. I put on weight once, and felt awful. I started eating healthier, and portion control. I started drinking lots of water, and stopped drinking juice. I started going for walks - in an exercise way. I swam when the weather was good. I started going to the gym. I lost weight and toned up and lost centimeters from my body. My clothes fit me better. Clothes got too big for me and I had to get them taken in. I still indulged in hungover McDonalds and still baked cakes and cookies and anything else I wanted to bake. And it was so much better than depriving myself of food and not eating for days, weeks or months on end. I hope I never completely lose my appetite again. This is absolute awful.

I just want to be able to eat normally again, without feeling sick or having the worst pains in my stomach. I want to stop tasting vomit at the back of my throat. I want to stop having acid reflux all the time.

I just want to get better.

Day 17

An Art Piece

*Taken from www.deviantart.com

There's something kind of magical about this photo. I don't know what it is, but I've always like photos of birds and birdcages. I like birdcages in general. I love old fashioned, antique birdcages. I think they are gorgeous. (Until I see the pricetag). One day I would like to own an antique birdcage, and just have it filled with candles.

Day 16

A Song That Makes Me Cry

Without a doubt, Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. The movie the song comes from, City Of Angels, also makes me cry. Such a sad/good movie.

I really can't think of any more songs off the top of my head that make me sad/cry, so I'll just stick with that one song.

Day 15

A Fanfic Day

So I just had to google this, as I had no idea what fanfic was. I now know what fanfic is, and Im pretty certain I don't know any, so Im going to the next now.

Day 14

A Non-Fictional Book

Straight off the top of my head, my favourite non-fiction book is definitely Dewey - The Small Town Library Cat by Vicky Myron. I remember reading the end of this book, and I had tears in my eyes it was so sad, and I was nearly late for work experience, so I had to put the book down mid chapter, and was hanging out for the end of the day so I could rush home and finish the book. It was such a good book.

For some reason, the majority of the non-fiction books I read are about cats... I like cats, I like stories about cats.

Other non-fiction books I have enjoyed (about cats, and not about cats):

-Cleo - How An Uppity Cat Helped Heal A Family by Helen Brown Gentry

-Making The Rounds With Oscar by David Dosa

-Almost French by Sarah Turnball

-My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler

Day 13

A Fictional Book

Right now, I'm currently reading My Name Is Memory by Ann Brashares. So far it's a decent book. I expect I'll be finished it by the weekend, or Monday at the latest.

My favourite series of fictional books is definitely the Harry Potterseries. I've read the books so many times, but I still cry when characters get killed off. (And I'm hanging out for the final installments of the movies.)

Other fictional books I've enjoyed have been

-Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta

-Looking For Alibrandi by Melina Marchetta

-Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris

And one of my all time favourite books, one that I read nearly every year is:

-The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

Day 12

Whatever Tickles My Fancy

I hate cortisol levels. Mine are way too high at the moment, and it may be why I haven't eaten for nearly 6 weeks (bar a jar of apple and mango baby food, which made me sick for the next 24 hours). And to be honest, I miss food so so much. I've lost too much weight and none of my clothes fit me. I just want to be better and healthy again. I've turned into a nanna, and pretty much all I do is sit around and knit, and watch movies and don't socialize, as I get way way way too cold at night time.  

But Im actually going out tonight. And Im scared Im going to freeze, but Im looking forward to the social experience, and being out of the house at night. It has been about 6 weeks since I last went out. Oh, Im not going to know what to do.

But back to eating/not eating. I am creating a list in my head of all the foods I want to eat when I can eat normally again, and the places I want to eat out at and who with. And Im probably going to go on a peanut butter binge. God damn, I love love love peanut butter!!! It is amazing. And I've found a peanut butter brownie recipe, that Im going to bake, and eat, and get fat (or at least put on all the weight I've lost).

I just have to hope the specialist appointment that I have booked for a weeks time goes well, regarding my cortisol levels/not being able to eat. Fingers crossed something eventuates, and I get my appetite back!

Day 11

A Photo Of Me Taken Recently

I took this photo just then, as I don't have any recently taken photos of me. I guess that's what happens when you lose your social life:(

Anyway, recent photo - new beanie!!! my god, it is keeping me ears warm, it is amazing!!! (got it free with the latest Dolly magazine - don't judge me!).

In the background is my favourite Peter Alexander bag. I love love love sausage dogs, and Peter Alexander products. If there was a Peter Alexander store in Wollongong, I would be so broke, and have an over-abundance of pajamas. How many pairs of pajamas is needed for one person???

Day 10

A Photo Of Me Taken Over 10 Years Ago

This was actually taken on my 10th birthday, so this is definitely a photo of me taken over 10 years ago! For my 10th birthday, my mum got me mystery flight tickets, and I didn't know till my actual birthday that I was going to Adelaide. My mum had pre-organised for us to go visit my uncle, his partner at the time and my cousin Katie. My uncle's partner had made me this birthday cake, and my god it was delicious!!! I remember taking some home with me in an ice-cream container. My 10th birthday was fabulous. Two plane rides in one day, Adelaide Zoo, Rundle Mall, and visiting my favourite family :)

Day 09

A Photo You Recently Took

Vintage Harry Potter and a cup of tea

Day 08

A Photo That Makes Me Angry/Sad

As far as I know, I only have one photo that makes me sad (and its not on my computer and I don't have a scanner...) and I can't think of any any photos that make me angry.

I'm not going to say why the photo makes me sad, as I think it's a bit personal, and therefore, Im not going to take a photo of the photo to put on here.

I will not be participating in Day 08.

Sorry.

Day 07

A Photo That Makes Me Happy

This photo was taken at my 23rd this year. It was a really good night, and even though I got really drunk, I have some really great memories and photos from the night. Remembering back on my birthday just makes me happy, as it was a happy occasion

Day 06

Whatever Tickles My Fancy

At times I really dislike people. I hate ignorance and I hate liars and I've had a bit of that lately and its really pissing me off, which is not helping to make me feel better.

I've been feeling depressed, I've got a kidney infection, I'm slowly (but surely) getting over a killer back injury, and to top things off, I haven't eaten for 8 days (and I'm scared my depression/anxiety is coming back in full swing).

And me and mum aren't doing so well lately. Not that I can do much about that, in my current state, but I'm slowly working on that (back injuries don't let you do much in the way of anything, pretty much).

I just wish people wouldn't lie to me. I wish people would pay attention to the things I say. I wish someone would ask me how I really am. I wish other people would think of other people other than just themselves.

I paid, who I consider a friend, money for a concert ticket and cd. Im on the door for the concert, but the cd got given to her boyfriend, who I'm no longer sure if I consider a friend... who lives in my area. I got told by the boyfriend, I would have my cd of Friday last week. I told him I was going to be in town on Friday, and told him the times. Friday came and went and I never heard from him or my cd. Got told I would be getting my cd on Monday. I told him I would be in town on Monday, what time I would be in town on Monday, what time I had an appointment in town on Monday - therefore making myself busy - and what time I would be leaving town on Monday. He came into town on Monday at the time I had my appointment. I can't exactly walk out of an appointment I had had booked for a fortnight (osteopathy, lots of needles at the moment, quite uncomfortable after my appointment). 

After my appointment I checked my phone and had a somewhat rude message from the guy, aswell as 3 missed calls. If he had paid any attention to the message I had sent him, he would have known I was busy at that time, therefore unable to do as he requests. I told him so, and then get told to traipse halfway across town to see him to get my cd. I told him I had just had osteo, and I was in pain and no, I can;t just hop on a bus and go down and meet him.

He is now three hours up the coast, with my cd at his dad's place, and expect me to go there and get it.

1. I don't know his dad or where he lives

2. I don't have a way to get there

3. I'm pretty sure he should have known this

After all that, its pretty obvious he is self centered and rude and ignorant, which has made me pissed off. I told him last week he could have mailed me the cd. I would have been more than happy to pay for the posting of the cd (which I know isn't much, as I have mailed cd's before).

So right now, I'm rather pissed off that I pay for something, and cannot get it. I am really pissed off. I can't even have something that is mine, and I have no way of getting something that is mine.

Some people are really fucking rude and ignorant and it really irritates me, and it is not something that is going to make me better.

I just want to get better.

Day 05

My favourite quote

+and this too shall pass

+time waits for no one

+live, love, die

Day 04

My Favourite Book

For me, it is impossible to have just one favourite book. I've been reading ever since I can remember, and have easily read 1000 or more books in my 23 years (I was in the top 10% of readers in the state in primary school).

+I've just finished reading the Sookie Stackhouse series, and really enjoyed them.

+Harry Potter will always be a favourite series (and my copy of The Philosopher's Stone is starting to fall apart!)

+The Lovely Bones will always be a book I can read over and over again. 

There are way too many book favourites that I'm not even going to rack my mind trying to think, but I have always been an avid reader, I still am an avid reader, and I hope to still be an avid reader till the day I die, collecting more favourite books that I can keep, and re-read forever (and replace if they fall apart).

Day 03

My Favourite Television Program

I don't have just one favourite TV program, but I do have a few, so like before, I shall list them all;

+Skins

+True Blood

+Grey's Anatomy

+The Nanny

+Dexter

+Supernatural

+Gossip Girl

+Dead Set

+Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Day 02

My Favourite Movie

Again, this is hard. I don't just have one favourite movie. I've seen way too many movies to just have one favourite movie, so I will put down the movies that I can never, ever get tired of watching.

+Milo and Otis

+The Virgin Suicides

+Garden State

+Pan's Labyrinth

+Thelma and Louise

+Pulp Fiction

+28 Days Later

+28 Weeks Later

+Cloverfield 

+Donnie Darko

+From Dusk Till Dawn

+Little Miss Sunshine

+Looking For Alibrandi

+Love Actually

+Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

+Zombieland

+Death Proof

Day 01

My Favourite Song

This is hard. I don't have one favourite song. And if I do, it changes very often.

*According to my iTunes, my top playing played song is Broke Flat Broke (We Ain't Got It) by Kids Will Be Skeletons, at 126 plays.

*MY current favourite song is I Hate Hartley by The Amity Affliction. that could change as soon as tonight, as from next week, but that is my current favourite song.

*One of my all time favourite songs is The Blair Snitch Project by The Amity Affliction. It has been one of my favourite songs since I first got Severed Ties

30 Days

30 Days of Blog.

For the next 30 days (not consecutive, as Im not on the internet on my computer everyday), I will be completing these 30 tasks:

-Day 01 — Your favorite song
-Day 02 — Your favorite movie
-Day 03 — Your favorite television program
-Day 04 — Your favorite book
-Day 05 — Your favorite quote
-Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
-Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
-Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
-Day 09 — A photo you took
-Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
-Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
-Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
-Day 13 — A fictional book
-Day 14 — A non-fictional book
-Day 15 — A fanfic
-Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
-Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
-Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
-Day 19 — A talent of yours
-Day 20 — A hobby of yours
-Day 21 — A recipe
-Day 22 — A website
-Day 23 — A YouTube video
-Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
-Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
-Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
-Day 27 — This month, in great detail
-Day 28 — This year, in great detail
-Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
-Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Starting today!!!

Long Weekend

I've basically done nothing, and it's been the best. I needed to get away from my mum, as do quite often, and since I was unable to go to Adelaide a few weeks back, I have spent the weekend at my friend Bec's house and it has been amazing.

All I've pretty much done is internet, sleep (amazingly well, on Bec's comfy bed), watch movies/tv, talk, hang out with Bec and Scott, get 'adopted' by Becs mum, eat, drink hot chocolate and tea, make friends with the four dogs and two cats, talk heaps, family dinners at the table, get excited at pain killer time and knit. No alcohol has been involved. No alcohol has been involved in my life since ANZAC day, but I'm getting used to that. 

But this weekend has been great. No mum, and being able to rest with an amazingly nice family and friends.

Today, Bec, Scott and and I went shopping. One of Bec's brothers is getting married next weekend, so Bec needed jewelry, shoes, hoisery, underpants, you name it. We found some jewelry, bright red back seam stockings (I want a pair!), shoes (which will be bought next week when Bec has more money), and a new dress. I found a necklace I think I'm going to buy. It's Alice in Wonderland themed, and even has a little clock on it that works. I'm just hoping the clock can have its battery replaced, and if so, it's definitely being added to my necklace collection. We also went to Kmart - big sale, and I needed a new long sleeve top to go with my new Peter Alexander cute monster pj pants. Top was bought. Also cheap as Bonds trackie pants (with pockets!), which will keep me warm for when I want to go swimming in the heated indoor pool at Beaton Park (which I said I was going to do last year, but never did). I aim to go for a swim before June has ended.

Back to my back, I'm seeing an osteopath on Tuesday. I'm really hoping he can help my back get into place asap. Then there will be no more pain and discomfort, no more pain killers, no more sobriety, no more anti-socialness, no more nothing. It is going to be amazing when all this happens.

physio

So I got to start physio on my back today. & surprise surprise, my pelvis is tilted again, and muscle aren't working.

I can tell this is not going to be a fun round of physio. & I have another appointment booked in for Thursday of next week.

But I'm all strapped up around my back, which is helping me walk better, at least for today, anyway. Instead of my usual old granma shuffle I've had going on for the past month.

So hopefully this physio kicks in soon, I can get of my pain meds and go and party and rage and get fucked up and everything else I've been missing out on this past month.

lookbook.nu

one hundred

I hate to say it, but I miss hangovers.

I have no had an alcoholic drink since ANZAC day (and what a night that was  - a good one to temporarily end my drinking habits).

I miss the dryness in my mouth, I miss the headaches, I miss waking up with remnants of eye make-up still on my face (even though I use make-up remover wipes when I get home), I miss the gross feeling in my stomach, I miss trying to piece together the night before.

I just want to drink again, amongst other things.

I have a huge list of things to do once my back is all good and straight and not so painful.

1. organise night out with friends, a night involving lots of alcohol, and having a hangover the next day

2. get legs waxed

3. go shopping and buy a new dress

4. baking and cooking extravaganza - bake a thank you cake for my mum (Donna Hays chocolate layer cake - the gorgeous looking one on the cover of her 50th edition magazine), bake thank you peanut butter cupcakes for Scott for spending an evening in hospital with me, bake a thank you Mars Bar slice for Bec, just for being the first person to get me out of the house and making me excited, baking thank you chocolate m&m cookies for Rach, for spending an evening in hospital with me, and bringing me an awesome present. And just cooking as many dinners as possible. Oh how I miss cooking, even worse, watching Masterchef every night isn't doing any good for my not being able to stand long enough to cook.

5. go away somewhere. I was supposed to be in Adelaide this weekend with my family, but that is not possible. I'm thinking Byron Bay or Melbourne for a weekend. or even midweek, whichever is cheaper.

6. spend a day in Sydney. I miss Sydney. I've had to cancel two appointments in Sydney as I would not have lasted the train trip there. I miss Sydney. 

Thats all I can think of right now, but I do know there are a few other things on that list that I can't think of right now. Damn medications turning my brain into mush :(

"stop having so much rough sex"

With good comes bad. Or with bad comes good. I don't know, but my weekend was full of the bad, and the good.

The Bad 

- not being able to walk properly. I had to get my mum to take me to the bathroom whenever I needed to go. It's not something a 23yr old wants to go through. I've been through it as a 22yr old, and it wasn't something I wanted then.

- going to hospital on Sunday - I told my mum she could either keep helping me to the bathroom, or call an ambulance to take me to the hospital - only as we both knew she wouldn't have been able to get me down the stairs of our apartment building by herself.

So my called the ambulance, and they came pretty quick, and gave me some morphine, and helped me down the stairs, before getting me on the ambulance bed, and into the ambulance, before giving me more morphine. Once we got to hospital, I'm just glad I didn't have to wait forever to get a bed - which is always a bonus at my local hospital.

The Good

- pain relief - the morphine worked wonders. Sure I got lots of, and talked alot of shit (as I do when I'm full of such strong pain killers) After getting some tests done and spending a few hours in hospital, I was able to go home, and able to walk pretty well from my room in Emergency, out the Emergency waiting room.

- Getting to see Rach - it had been way to long since I last saw a friend. She was going to come round to visit me at my place, but when I told her I was in hospital, she caught the bus there instead, and visited me there. It was so good to finally talk to someone other than my mum and my GP. Best ever. And she bought me a presant. Rach gives me the best presants - her birthday is in October, so I have 5 months to think of an amazing presant to give to her - and hope she enjoys it.

- Getting a cute Doctor in the hospital. I love it when that happens. I'm getting fixed, while getting a perve. He was also really nice, which is even better, and explained my whole problem to me really well (aswell as being a doctor, he is also a pyhsio. And really cute and nice.)

- Being able to move around better. So I no longer need my mum to help me to the bathroom, which is awesome.

Now I'm just hoping I'm on the up and up of getting better. I can only hope.

right now I'm too depressed to write anything interesting.

as much as I want to, I can't.

this slipped disc in my back is really getting to me.

It's been two weeks of nothing.

I actually started crying trying to get yogurt out the fridge this morning.

right now, life sucks, but Im hoping it will get better. 

and the sooner it gets better, the better. Im really not enjoying this not being able to do anything, having to rely on everyone else to do things for me. my mum is even now pissed off at me, for reasons I don't know - most likely due to doing everything for me.

If I could stand up long enough to make myself toast without starting to cry, I would, but I can't.

here's hoping to posting something good next week.

fingers crossed. toes crossed. Im going to plait my hair so my hair can be crossed.

It's moth season

My cat is in heaven. She loves chowing down on these bogan moths - affectionately re-named flying cream puffs.

It's just not so great when I get woken up in the middle of the night by cat going moth hunting and chowing.

Also, my back - I was in hospital Saturday with killer back pain. Got a CT done today, with the results already, and one of my discs is bulged. I have no idea what this means, only that Im in alot of pain, have to take alot of Endone and Valium, and I will be needing physio. Just another thing to add to my compensation case, as it's a result from my walking with a limp. Awesome.

Back to the lounge I go, it's time for more Endone, and my afternoon nap.

i have the worst friends

Apparently I fell into the 'wrong crowd' at school when I was about 15. My mum didn't really like those friends of mine. I wagged school a few times, I smoked (and I used that term lightly), I got drunk, and I had sex. I stopped smoking, I stopped wagging school, and I started hanging out with the bunch of friends I was hanging out with before (while still occasionally talking to the "wrong crowd" friends).

If anything, I think the girl I called my best friend was more of the wrong crowd. And now she is seen as an important business women, and is in the local paper, calls herself some kind of feminist. I think she is a hypocrite. She is a stereotyping hypocrite, and if people knew her secrets...

She was the girl, who at 17, was calling male prostitutes, and meeting up with them for sex. In public places. Anal sex aswell. I would often get messages from her, asking that if her mum called my place, she was there, but just in the bathroom - she wasn't at my place - she off fucking one of her boyfriends. This happened multiple times. 

Just recently she was in the paper with three other business women from the area, who came with 10 ideas/solutions for making someone/something a better person/thing. One of them was not stereotype. I told this friend I wanted to take up pole dancing. She then proceeded to tell me she would stop talking to me if I started pole dancing, and gave me some lecture that pole dancing is just a form prostitution and its only done to turn men. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that stereotyping? (What's next? Someone is going to tell me ballet is only for anorexics?)

This is the same girl who had a go me, after walking past the lingerie section of Myer and said "oh, I really love that bra" (a really gorgeous floral/lace trimmed Elle Macpherson bra), saying that lingerie is only worn to men on/I shouldn't be wearing lingerie like that as it will make men think I want them to have sex with me - or something like that. Women can't wear something nice and beautiful to make themselves feel good? Not everything a woman wears is just for men. I wear underwear like that because I like it. If guys don't like my underwear, I couldn't give a fuck, as I wear what I think looks good, and if it's comfy, even better (I probably don't like the underwear men are wearing, but who cares?).

This girl was the bad influence on me. This girl put so much shit on me, and I only see it now. I hold so many of her secrets, she wanted me to lie to her mum for her, she was quite the raging slut in high school, constantly calling me after breaking up with boyfriends - asking for advice - not listening to a single thing I said, and getting back with the boyfriend a few days later, only to call me again a few months later, asking for the same advice, this which went on for five years till I finally lost it and told her she was an idiot and that he is an idiot, something about him being "suicidal", something about her "having to save his life". Seriously. WTF??? 

(Im not saying anything bad about anyone being suicidal - but I know the entire story - it was an over-emotional ex-boyfriend trying to get back with his ex-girlfriend after promising he was moving far away as he never wanted to see her face again. If I never wanted to see my ex-boyfriends face again, he would NOT be the first person I call if I were suicidal - even he were a psychiatrist.)

There's also two other girls, which we all hung out in  a group after high school - these other two girls are just are bad. So fucking ignorant. Apparently its cool to tell someone, repeatedly, to put themselves in a situation where they know they will have a panic attack. After I had stated, repeatedly "if I do that, I'm going to have a panic attack and I don't want to give myself a panic." She didn't care. Has she ever had a panic attack? No. Does she know what a panic attack feels like? No. It feels like you are going to die. Every single time. The feeling of death is not a good one, and not a feeling I want to give myself.

I never thought I would hate another single person as much as I hate my father. The day has come. And it's not one person, but three. Three ignorant, selfish, mean, rude, threatening, hypocritical, lying, judgemental bitches. I hope I never have to see any of their faces again.

half a million dollars???

My barrister told me yesterday that my compensation case is worth, in her opinion, half a million dollars.

WHAT DOES A 23 YR OLD DO WITH HALF A MILLION DOLLARS???

Not that NRMA are going to give me that much money, but knowing that Im worth that much makes me a little dizzy.

ps. I have a nerve that is missing in action. I would kind of like to know where it has gone.

life is getting scarier

I have a barrista, basically. I'm seeing her on Tuesday, to try and get my compensation case settled. I actually don't want it settled on Tuesday, as Im going back to see my pain specialist on Thursday, and the new medications Im on aren't working, and I would like to be on medications that do work before my compensation claim gets settled.
I'll also, finally, see the histopathology report from my nuerosurgery. Some sort of nerve thingy-whatsits got removed and sent off for histology. No one has seen what the report says. Now people will be seeing what the report says. This could get interesting...

Fuck it. I don't know what Im going to do when I get this money. I know I want a proper bed for mums place. I want to go to Byron Bay for a week or so, and get a new tattoo while Im there, sit on the beach, go to the markets, sit at the pub, eat good food, perve on cute boys (in hoping there are cute boys there), go up to QLD for the day (Sea World or Dream World).
Im going to talk to a financial planner about what to do with the money. I would like to put some into a huge sort savings account thingy, and maybe buy a house or something in a few years time.

Im definitely going overseas next year. Starting with a European Contiki tour. I want to travel London. I want to travel Greece and Turkey. I want to try and find work in London. I want to to go to Canada and America. Currently thinking maybe I want to work in Cananda aswell.

I don't know what I want to do and it scares me.

First off, I want a job. Can someone please just hurry up and employ me? I'm a good worker, I swear. I may need to cut back on the partying once I get this job I want, but that is something I am willing to do.

Life scares me. My future scares me. I scare myself.

brb, giving up on boys.

urgh. Im over boys. Again. I say this all the time, but every now and then, someone cute comes along and says things and I believe him. And again, they turn out to be something other then the truth.

To be honest, I've got enough going on in my life then to be waiting for a guy. He says he likes me and he wants to see me. I tell him I like him and I want to see him. A month later and nothing has happened. I give up. Im back to concentrating on my life. I have chronic pain to deal with - which is a lot for a 23 yr old. With that comes so many things I have to think about and consider, and it is a bit of a mind fuck. I don't need a guy giving me a mind fuck aswell. And thats just the start of things I have to consider about. 

Do I want to live and work in London, or do I want to live and work in Canada???

I don't like this feeling

But I do like the fact that I have a wider range of feelings and emotions.

It's more of a feeling of confused lust - and it's something I'm not all that fond of. (Yet I'm fond of it at the same time.)

He says he likes me, I like him. But I don't know what happens after. Do I want a relationship? Do I want something casual?

All I know is I want to see him again. I want to kiss him again. I want to be with him again.

Why does he live so far away? 

I haven't talked to him on the phone for a few days. I actually miss that. I actually hope he calls me soon. Or even just texts me.

I think I'm slowly turning into those girls who I read/hear about - waiting by the phone, anxiously hoping he calls soon. I'm not so anxious, but I do hope he calls soon. He is so cute, and really nice.

I'm just hoping nothing has worn off, and he still likes me. As I think I still like him...

Famous By Association?

I was watching Mornings with Kerri-Anne yesterday, and was watching the cooking segment with Lindsey Milan, who was making a carbonara with Pork. She was going on about always using Australian Pork. She had shown the packet of pork she was using, which had the butcher stores label on it.

One of my second cousins owns his own butchery in Bronte. It was my my mums uncles butchery, but he retired, and one of his sons took over ownership of the butchery - Lucas Quality Meats.

Anyway, the label on the packet of pork that was being shown on the Kerri-Anne show was Lucas Quality Meats! 

I got all excited about my cousins butchery products being shown on TV, and rushed in to tell mum that it was on TV.

A definite 'wow' moment (this goes to show I have no life - which I have been talking about with a friend lately, as I get overly excited about free food at functions.)

Amigos Mexican

Ever since I started pole dancing, I've been drooling after Amigos Mexican, and have been wanting to organise a group of friends to go to Amigos for dinner one night. 

To make things easier, a night out at Amigos has already been organised!!! For tonight!!!

Kim is having a St Patricks Day party (albeit a few days early, but who is complaining?), and dinner is now at Amigos! Followed by partying and dancing (and checking out cute boys) around town.

I have all my green ready - not much, but its there; fake eyelashes with green glittered lashes, green eye liner, green nail polish, and green ribbon to put in my hair and around my wrists.

And now, I'm drooling over the Amigos menu. Yum yum yum I love Mexican!

They have a strawberry sangria, which Im pretty keen to try out - tequila, white lambrusco, strawberry liquour, pineapple juice, fresh strawberries and lemon. Yum yum yum - and so much better for me, as Im allergic to oranges in the regular sangria.

They also have some yum looking cocktails, but I may or may not stick with the sangria, as you can buy it by the half litre, or litre.

As for food, I totally don't know what to get - everything sounds so delish!

I cannot wait for tonight. It should be a good night.

What happened to summer?

The first day of Autumn, and already the sun was gone, the temperature had dropped, and it has pretty much been rainy since.

I'm not yet over the whole summer vibe!!! I still want to lay out in the sun in my bikini and read books and get a tan. I still want to go for runs on the beach. I still want to walk around in minimal summer clothing. I still want to swim laps in the sun. 

As much as I love winter, I think summer went by too fast. And winter will most likely fly by aswell.

I need to go shopping and buy winter clothes. I need new jeans asap. And new jackets. New everything winter, except for beanies. Im actually looking forward to wearing my beanies again!!!

Birthday Party!!!

So I had my Birthday Party the day after my birthday, and it was awesome!!!

I drank heaps of alcohol (as you do), and ate lots of yummy foods and partied with some amazing people.

I don't remember much of the night, most likely due to a large consumption of alcohol (no spew was involved!), but I do remember having lots of fun :)

I had some people come around to mine for a party - music, winter olympics watching, food, alcohol, and lots of talking. After that we headed into town (some went home), where we danced and drank some more. Met more people in town who couldn't come to the house party :( due to work, but we danced all night!

After we got kicked out of the club (it was closing time), a few of us went back to a friends house for continued partying. I just remember sitting on the floor as all the seats were taken, and then laying down, as the room started spinning (it was the vodka). I don't remember much from after that, but I do remember waking up on a floor to sunshine, and going to look out the window and seeing LOTS of people going for morning runs/walks/bike rides. I was feeling all ergh and cursing them, when I decided to walk home and have a shower and get some sleep on a bed.

Finally made it home, and had a great shower, and slept for most of the day. Also watched Drag Me To Hell (not that great of a movie), and ate jelly slice - which should never be eaten when hung over.

another year down

And I'm nearly 23. On Friday, to be exact.

I'm looking forward to my birthday. They are always fun and exciting, and I have a good day planned out. And the birthday party!!!

But I'm not looking forward to being older. That's what scares me. Always getting older, and my life having not turned out exactly how I would have liked it to be.

But I'm not going to complain too much, as I know there are people out there with lives worse off then mine, but I would not say no to a job right now. And I'm really keen for a hairdressers apprenticeship. I just need to find one!!! Argh!!!

But anyway, my birthday. Mum is taking me out for breakfast to Diggies. yumyumyum!!! I might go for a swim, or a run along the beach, go to the gym, and then pole dance at 6.30 pm.

Then I will be going home for AMAZING spaghetti bolognaise and garlic bread, and a movie marathon by myself in my bedroom.

Saturday night I will be partying!!! There is going to be a bit of a house party in the apartment (which mum is getting enough food for to feed an army!), and then into town to dance the night away. So I'm hoping it will be good a night, as I don't want to cry on my birthday (as I've done that too many times in the past...)

January 2010

So I know its 8 days into February, but last month was pretty amazing!!!

January was 12 months since I had been taken off all my anti-anxiety meds and I think I'm going really well. I still have my down days, but I tend to get out of them quicker then before, and I'm feeling a whole lot happier with myself (minus a few things that are out of my control).

January 11 also marked the date of 3 years since the car accident, and 13 months since the hip surgery from the injury I got from the accident - I still get quite alot of pain, but I start going to the pain clinic on March 11, which I hopes goes good and that they can help me deal with my pain better.

Onto better things. I had a bit of a Summer fling. Sure, it was all drunken meetings and doings, but I had fun, and I think it was good for me, as last year I just wasn't happy with myself and didn't want to get involved in any way what so ever with a guy. But now I'm feeling better about myself, I can do these things and it's fun :) Even though it may be a little sad when it ends. But it didn't end in a bad for me, which is what I'm happy about.

I went out heaps with my friends and had great times. NYE, Nats second NYE, Australia Day, a trip to the Powerhouse Museum for the 80's Exhibition, Australia Day parties, and drinking an entire bottle of Absolut in one month (I'm not sure if thats something to be proud about...). And starting pole dancing! I'm having so much fun at pole, and I'm planning on continuing on after this six week course.

And now it's already February. I swear each year goes faster then the last, as it's already nearly my birthday!!! I'm getting older, and I'm not too keen on it, even though one of my good friends told me that 23 is a really fun age - so I'm hoping to have a lot of fun this year. And I'm having a birthday party!!! I love birthday parties :) I'm going bake my own cupcakes (and my mum is going to do the icing), so I've got a fair few friends coming over to my house to party, and then into town to dance the night away. I'm actually looking forward to it.

I had a job interview last Tuesday, and I should hear back next week about a job trial. It's for a hairdressers apprenticeship. I really want this apprenticeship. It's in a great place, and close to public transport, and close to home, which is always good. Ive changed my mind, again, about what career choice to take, and I'm currently set on becoming a hairdresser again. I have another job interview for an apprentice hairdresser tomorrow - this one I don't really want, but I'm going to the interview anyway, just to see what it's like, and to continue to improve my interview skills. I just really hope I get a job soon, as I get bored just always sitting at home, or going into town and just looking at clothes I want that are generally too expensive for me. I want to earn my own money. I want to save to go overseas. I want to save money so I can safely move out when I'm ready.

Now, I'm just hoping February is as good as January was (minus the whole fighting with mum). And I think it will be :)