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http://sometimesiwantoblivion.tumblr.com/

It feels as though things are slipping. It feels as though life isn't as good anymore. There are a few highlights here and there, but apart from that... I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed, I'm upset.

I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I'm stressed.

Ever since I got out of hospital last year, I always feel as though I should be back in there. I feel as though I'm not recovered. I feel as though I'm never going to recover.

I hate myself and I hate life.

Just under two months till I leave for the UK and Europe. 

Maybe I will disappear???

I think that if I move to another country, get away from everything here, everything is going to be okay. But deep down, I know my problems are going to come with me. I feel as though I'm going to fail, and I won't be able to pick myself up as well as I'm able to when I'm surrounded by friends.

I don't want to spiral down, but I'm deathly afraid that that is what is going to happen.

And I hate that feeling and it makes me want to stay here.

But I hate being here.

Happy Mothers Day!!!

Okay, I know it was yesterday, but I didn't go onto my mac yesterday, so here is my Mothers Day post.

In the past, Mothers Day has always been postponed in our house for some reason or another, except for this year! Yay!!!

I had been sick throughout the week with labyrinthitis, and going to bed at 7-7.30 pm and sleeping throughout the night, but I woke up on Sunday feeling pretty peachy, compared to the rest of the week, and I decided I wanted to bake mum something for mothers day. I found a delish looking recipe, and it was off to Woolies I went, to get all the ingredients that were needed. 

I came home, and baked away. As I had never used this recipe before, I was a little doubtful, as the mixture was quite runny, but the cupcakes turned out fine!

Chocolate Cherry Cupcakes!!!

They were amazingly delicious, and I would definitely bake again.

The rest of mothers day was rather relaxing, and me and mum had Indian for dinner. My gosh, that was yum yum yum. I haven't had Indian for aaaaaages, and that was amazing, just from the Indian restaurant around the corner from where we live.

Oh, and mum is getting a second Mother's Day tomorrow. Im paying for her to get a tattoo, and Im buying myself a matching tattoo. Im looking forward to it!

I also have an appointment in Newtown tomorrow afternoon, so mum is driving me to Sydney after our tattoos, and then we are dining in Darling Harbour somewhere.

So I think this is a mothers day to remember, before I jet off overseas.

I love you mummy!!!

xoxo

too many hangups

I just wish more of them happened on the telephone, instead of being life hangups.

I just get way too anxious and nervous about everything.

I see two pyschiatrists, one counsellor, and a nutritionist, who also counsels me. Yet I'm still anxious and worrying about anything and everything.

But instead of being all emotional and dramatic, have some photos.

I got a bike!!! I love it. I just wish it wasn't raining today, as I haven't been for a ride for a few days, and I can't go for a ride this weekend. Busy busy!!! (And this busy-ness is making me anxious and nervous.)
I bleached my hair. Again. Although, I'm unsure of the colour, But I am a fan of it.
New id Photo Card. Really hating on the photo. I look like a man. And I'm stuck with that for the next five years. Awesome.

Thanks, RTA!!!

Makeover

I was in Wollongong Mall last Thursday after getting my latest tattoo finished off (will post a picture in another blog...), and I was just wandering around and browsing, looking at things I want to buy, when all of a sudden there was a DJ setting up outside of Wanted, and a table with wine tasting setting up outside of Rockmans, and little pop up stalls near Forever New, all the way to Jay Jays.

Having no idea what was happening, I wandered around a little more, as I wanted some free wine, which I got, and I picked up a leaflet thing, stating some Autumn Fashion whatever was happening at the mall. Which free 15 minute makeovers at Napoleon.

I got all excited again (after being all excited about free wine), and quickly walked to Napoleon for my free makeover. 

Wow, that was fun.

I thought I looked gorgeous! (Possibly a bit vein, but thats allowable.)

Definitely buying this lipstick today!!!

I got bored

This is what being unemployed does to me.

Make me turn my hair into the colour of fairy floss.

Not Irish

A friend and I went out on Thursday to drink and dance and celebrate St Patricks day. And just to drink and dance.

It was a good night, starting with pre-drinks at my friends, then a cab to 151, standing in line for 151, my friend knowing the security and getting taken to the front of the line and in before everyone else - which was good, as we both really needed to pee.

We had some cheap drinks, and danced, met some friends/work mates, more cheap drinks, and lots more dancing.

Till I started feeling a bit off.

At first I noticed I was dancing with my eyes closed more often then normal. Then the room kinda felt like it was spinning. I had already started drinking water before this point in time, but I drank some more water, and that didnt help, so I went to go sit down. As soon as I sat down, this one guy came and sat pretty close to me. Then about a minute later, this other guy came and sat down right next to me, and the guy on the other side moved closer to me, and thats when I freaked out, thinking wtf is happening, so I just left 151.

Thats all I can remember.

I didn't even remember how I got home, up the stairs, into my pjs and into bed.

I do remember not being able to talk properly and not being able to walk.

I do remember having no more then 8 drinks, and thats a standard night out for me. I've been so much more drunk then that, throwing up drunk, yet still be able to walk and talk, so I knew something was up.

I had to ask mum in the morning how I got home, and she told me my friend and one of her friends bought me home, carried me up the stairs and inside. Then mum told me she had to change me from my clothes to my pajamas and put me into bed. After I had had a spew. (Thanks mum for looking after me!)

So basically, I got my drink spiked.

It is seriously disgusting how people have to stoop that low to go and drug someones drink, with the possibility of wanting to rape whoevers drink they have spiked. 

It's now just after midday on Saturday and I still feel queasy. I hope this never happens to me again, and I hope this never happens to anyone I know. It is an awful feeling. 

Dear Diary,

Last night I had sex on the beach.

Love, Sophie

       xoxo

It's Happening Way Too Fast

And there's still so much I want to do before I leave.

4 months and one week.

Or something insane like that.

Till I say goodbye to Australia.

It's Happening

Im going overseas!!!

I've filled out my passport application and have the interview on Tuesday.

I've bought a suitcase, and mini travel padlocks and a secure strap for the suitcase.

I went to the travel agent yesterday, and got travel brochures. And then made a tentative booking for three Contiki tours. And Im paying the deposit tomorrow, and paying for my flights next week.

Im leaving Australia July 16 and I cannot wait!!! It's going to be all I talk about for the next five months.

As soon as I get to London, Im doing a four day London Explorer, then July 21 I go on a European Whirl tour, and return to London on August 7. I then have nine days in London to do whatever, then Im going on a four day Corfu explorer. 

When I get back, Im going to hand out resumes and hopefully secure some work, so I can live and work in London for a while, and travel around Europe on days off.

I already have plans to catch the train from London to Paris. I need to travel around Greece, especially the island of Kastellorizo, as thats the  island my great grandfather grew up on. I also want to visit Turkey, as my great grandfather was born in Turkey.

I would like to travel around Italy, as I love pizza and pasta and gelato. I want to visit Spain, and eat tapas and drink copious amounts of sangria. I want to go to Wales, as my father is Welsh.

Im so excited!!! 

New!!!

New Glasses have arrived! I got them yesterday, and Im totally in love. Im smitten. Im amazed. I love my new glasses!!!

The fact I wasn't on a budget, I could get any pair I liked. 

And I got tortoiseshell Miu Miu glasses, with bling on the arms. Cute as!

And they came in the cutest box and case!!!

February Goodness

I always love February. 

It's the second month of the year.

My birthday is on the 19th (this Saturday!).

My cat's birthday is on the 10th.

When I was younger it always meant back to school time, and my step-fathers birthday, but those don't count anymore.

There is also Valentines Day, but Im not really too fussed on Valentines Day.

This year, February also brings in my compensation money.

I signed the forms last Thursday afternoon, and I couldn't stop laughing/smiling all afternoon. Even while getting my B12 injection.

But then I got anxious, and didn't leave the house or check my bank account till today. Then it sank in. And I went shopping. But not before making an appointment to see the financial advisor at my bank - who I see on Friday morning, who will invest a large amount of money for me, so, hopefully, in five or so years time, my money will have grown and I'll have a nice amount to put a deposit on a three bedroom apartment (one bedroom for me, one bedroom to be turned into a library/dance room, and the third as a guest bedroom/friend to live with me).

But I went shopping and it was awesome!!! I didn't even go wild, which is very good of me.

I did buy animal print wedges from Sportsgirl, aswell as two new rings.

I got my eyes tested, and bought a new pair of glasses/lenses - that was great, not having to stick to a budget, and being able to get any frames I wanted, and getting the good, expensive lenses with added extras, such as covering on the lens which minimises glare. But Im looking forward to my new glasses - tortoiseshell Miu Miu frames, with a silver/diamonte M on the side of each arm.

And I shall be wearing my new wedges on Saturday night, for my birthday dinner. Which I am completely looking forward to!!!

RIP/Happy Birthday/Life's Not Fair

Life is definitely not fair.

On Monday morning, one of my friends died. I wasn't very close to him, but I loved him. I love him.

My best friend (and her three sisters, who Im also pretty close to), grew up with him. He was their brother from another mother. Since them being so close to him, had made me love him. He was a sweet kid, very nice, very kind, but the world wasn't fair to him. He had Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy. He has the nicest mother and older sister who love him dearly. His friends love him dearly. We are all going to miss him.

It was his birthday yesterday.

(It's my cats birthday today.)

Its his funeral tomorrow.

Life's not fair.

We will all love Zak forever. We will never miss him. 

RIP Zak.

heat wave

This is awful.

Im living off frozen juice and too many Boost Juices and Coke Zeros. 

And I can't even go swimming to cool off.

This is the first and last time I get a new tattoo before a heat wave.

Im in love with my fan and want to marry it.

I sleep surrounded by ice packs.

In just a singlet and my undies and I still wake up too early, covered in sweat.

(I would post a pic of my tattoo, but it's currently all crusty and ew, and Ill wait till its all finished and coloured, then I shall be posting photos.)

I hope everyone is coping well this heat wave! And everyone with air con, Im green with envy.

And I hope all Queesnlanders and Melbournites are getting through and staying strong through all the floods and cyclones and and everything else bad that is happening. I am donating my change. I shall be heading to Qld later this year and giving giving out my tourist money. I shall be helping the Qld economy.

Stylish Blogger Awards

The absolutely gorgeous Kitty Cate has nominated me for a Stylish Blogger Award!!!

So I've been sitting on the lounge, watching Judge Judy trying to think of seven interesting facts about myself. (I'm now watching The Bold And The Beautiful. Thats how long I've been trying to come up with something interesting about myself, times seven.)

1. I buy way too many clothes. I still have clothes in bags, and with tags still attached, trying to think of a perfect occasion to wear the clothes, and then go and buy more new clothes. It's the same with shoes. It's an evil addiction, but it's better then drugs.

2. I love tea of all sorts. Iced tea. Hot tea. Tea in mugs. Tea in cups. Buying tea. Making my own tea. Tea cups. Tea pots. Tea pot cosies. Flavoured tea. Traditional tea. I love opening the cupboard in the kitchen with all the boxes of tea bags and smelling the aroma. Im jealous of Ramona Flowers tea collection. Every time I'm in Sydney, I go to T2, and try the tea they are sampling that day, and smell all the pots of tea, and usually end up buying a new box of tea.

3. I'm an accident waiting to happen. I've broken my right wrist in the same place twice. I've broken my left wrist once. I've broken a finger or two, and a toe. I've cracked my nose. I'm always spraining and straining muscles. I think I look weird when I don't have at least one bruise somewhere on my body. There is an assortment of ice packs and ice bricks in my freezer, awaiting an injury. I have an assortment of different sized bandages, awaiting an injury. 

4. I love collections. I have a fairy collection, an owl collection, a shoe box collection, a lipgloss collection and a nail polish collection. I also collect wine corks for my cat, as she finds them more exciting to play with then the expensive cat toys my mum and I buy her.

5. When I get a house of my own, I want to have an extra room to turn into a library. I want to fill the room with lots of massive bookshelves and a few comfy chairs and a soft rug. I love reading. I love books. I love going into bookshops. I love the smell of new books. I love the smell of some old books. I love how I can escape my life, and enter someone elses life in a story. I love reading about other peoples lives and experiences. 

6. I dance alot. I dance in shops when good songs come on. I dance in the street, and on the beach and in parks. I dance at work. I go out with friends and dance the night away. I dance on the walk home.

I was in the dance group in primary school. I did Irish dancing for four years. I've done jazz and hip hop. I'm now into my second year of pole dancing. 

Its the excitement of getting dressed up and doing your hair and makeup and performing in front of an audience. Its about having fun and getting fit and toned at the same time. Its about making new friends. Its about learning new things.

7. Im scared of thunder storms and ducks. When I was younger, I went for a bike ride, and my mum walked with me. on the way home, it started storming, and I freaked out and started screaming and crying. My mum had to carry me, and my bike home. Im now nearly 24, and Im still scared of storms. I no longer scream and cry, but I jump and freak out, and if Im in bed, I will hide under the blankets.

When I was three, I was at the Botanic Gardens, when a duck bit me on the bum. Ever since then, I've been scared of ducks. Its a ridiculous thing to be scared of, as they are rather cute, but I don't always see them as being cute. I see them as attackers. When I was in high school, I actually ran away from a duck that quacked in my direction. Everyone laughed at me, but I was safe inside, and away from the duck. I still don't go near ducks. But I do love chickens, and would love a pet chicken or two.

Now to nominate others for the award! Most of my fave blogs I read, haven't had a new post for quite a months, so I won't be nominating 15.

http://www.notquitenigella.com/

http://hollypoplollypop.blogspot.com/

http://allcatsaregrayatnight.blogspot.com/

http://mswimm.blogspot.com/

http://showingrecoveryispossible.blogspot.com/

http://likklegirl.blogspot.com/

http://applesundermybed.blogspot.com/

http://hungry-kittens.blogspot.com/

http://meetmeatmikes.blogspot.com/

http://teacupgrunge.blogspot.com/

Panic Attack Disorder

So I got diagnosed with having a panic attack disorder a about a year and a half ago. I had my first panic attack on January 11 2007, had a few more that same year, then started having them quite frequently from about March 2009. I then started seeing a psychologist who helped me overcome my panic attacks, and it helped. I've barely had a panic attack since finishing up my therapy with her, and can go through situations where I know I would have had a panic attack, if I hadn't had therapy. I'm quite proud of myself for living without the fear of having a panic attack every day.

The reason I first started having panic attacks was from being in a car accident. After getting surgery from an injury relating to the car accident, and being told the surgery didn't work, and I would be in pain/have numbness in my hip and thigh for the rest of my life, I started having panic attacks in cars and on buses. And seeing people run across busy roads and nearly being hit by cars. And hearing cars slam on their brakes on beep their horns. And seeing car accidents in movies and on TV shows.

Therapy really helped, and I can safely go in cars without freaking out if Im going to have a panic attack. I can go on long car rides, and not be holding onto the door handle or car seat for dear life. It's made life alot easier for me. (I'm still yet to drive through the site of the accident, and I'm still yet to get my Ls and learn to drive, but that is something Im slowly working on. Ill be happy if I can live my entire life, without the need to drive. Im fine with walking everywhere, or catching the bus or train, as I no longer have panic attacks on buses.)

I had a panic attack today. There was no cars around. I was walking down the street. I was reading a letter. I got exciting news. Really really really exciting news. I had a panic attack. My hands were shaking. I could feel my heart racing. I started breathing faster. My legs felt a little weak. I had to stop walking for a few minutes. I never knew such great news could cause a panic attack.

The car accident was the fault of another driver. A drunk driver. I've never liked drunk drivers, but now I have more dislike to anyone who drives under the influence, and am often standing on my soapbox, saying why people shouldn't drink and drive, but that is a story for another day.

As the accident was the cause of another (extremely irresponsible) person, I have been seeing a solicitor (and a barrister and multiple doctors), since 2007 to get compensation.

Previously, I've been offered $5,500, then after surgery, it went up considerably, but not enough to make my solicitor happy.

After having an awful year last year, and seeing many more doctors which had been appointed by NRMA and my solicitor, I got a letter this morning from my solicitor. NRMA have offered me $140, 000. Which would net me approximately $80, 000 clear of Centrelink, and clear of costs and medical expenses. 

THATS ALOT OF MONEY!!!

My solicitor was trying to get an amount which would give me $10, 000 clear of Centrelink and other expenses.

So I had a panic attack. In the middle of my street. Not from fear, but from excitement.

summer/no holidays

I was supposed to leave for Adelaide this Friday.
Instead im apartment/cat sitting, and hopefully working a shift or two.

At least I don't have to miss out on a week or of dance.
But I will miss out on seeing family.

2011

A New Year

Again.

I have a few wishes for myself for this year. I don't think all of them will happen, but it can be good to dream.

-Get better, and become more stronger and confidant in dancing. Also to perform in a show or two

-Keep my job. If I don't get to keep my job, I hope I get one within the next 3-6 months. (Because being unemployed for a long period of time sucks.)

-Stay out of hospital! (Lets just ignore Wednesdays stint in emergency, awaiting blood tests and getting IV fluids. At least I didn't have to stay over night.)

-No long term injuries

-Keep going to the gym regularly

-Eat healthy 

-Start doing Zumba?

-Go overseas

Wish me luck!